No Going Back by Izam

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  • a LeaMak fanfic
  • completed

Author’s note: Just to be considerate. I’m saying this ahead of time. This is a ‘gay’ Sechs Kies fic. So if you are not comfortable enough with the idea, then I suggest for you to stop reading.


[No Going Back.] – (Part 1)

Six Crystals.

The night was still young and glamorous here.

Within the 2 story building, the aroma of all sorts of cologne, hair gel, mousse were accompanied by heavy gray smoke that filled the air.

Billion rays of light blasted out from the ceiling and at every dark corner, the hidden speakers blared loudly in everyone’s ears.

[On the first floor….]

There were couples; groups of people dancing the night away as if only sweating could tear them away from the ugliness of the outside world.

[On the second floor….]

That’s where the club members hang out. It was a place for them to engage in private conversations without interruption. The soundproof walls blocked out all the noises from below and instead, slow and soothing music flowed into the dim atmosphere.

The customers that usually come here are either club members, or guests that the members had brought with them. Although females are perfectly welcome into this secluded part of town, they automatically retreat once they noticed all the male figures that filled the domain.


Moments later, the doors of the elevator slide open and a dark and tanned young man stepped out of it.

Dressed in all black, his outfit gave his brown eyes a mystical touch and complimented his virile face that lacked obvious emotions.

The slick young man remained stood and his sharp eyes scanned around the place. Immediately, he spotted the group of guys that were already there waiting for him as usual.

Prying his bangs away from his lashes, he drifted towards them.

“Yo, Ji Won….You are finally here, man. Jae Jin was about to go crazy without you, you know….”

Arriving at the same old table, it was Jae Duc who greeted Ji Won with his tease. With the same old smirk on his face, he was holding a cigarette in one hand and rubbing the other onto the thigh of a new face who Ji Won didn’t recognize. It was a face that represented pure genuineness and innocence.

Jae Duc laid his head on the young man’s shoulder and his fingers were stroking the boy’s flawless cheeks that had turned crimson at his touch.

It was clear to Ji Won that the new boy hadn’t been in this circle for long. Perhaps it was his first time here at a place that was full of men….A place full of nothing but men.

Ji Won eased down next to Jae Jin like a soft breeze and gave Jae Duc a foul glare. His eyes were burning as if daring Jae Duc to challenge his words.

“Tsk…tsk. Kim Jae Duc….Why do you always go for the ones that are underage? Don’t you know that there is a law against that? A law that prevents perverts like you from harming young innocents?…..I bet this boy is still unfamiliar with how things work around here, huh? Aren’t you going to introduce us?”

Jae Duc’s smile froze and died on his lips. Fuming in agitation, his sharp eyes that were smoldering in anger clashed in with Ji Won’s like a storm.

“Humph!!!! This is Jang Su Won. And for your information, he is 18 already….all right?”

He shouted back and spat….every syllable that escaped his lips sounded like sour grapes that were acidic.


Ji Won never did like Jae Duc much. He still remembers how much Jae Duc drooled over him when he first entered this realm. After being ignored on a daily basis, Jae Duc eventually gave up and moved onto another.

And now, watching Jae Duc lusting over a new face in the same way, he just couldn’t wipe the look of disgust off his face.

“Ha! So you have Su Won for the night and what about tomorrow? Another fresh face?”

Ji Won made a nasty snicker and his prickly eyes pierced fiercely into Jae Duc’s. When he spoke, his voice rose and fell in a strange singsong, as if he were speaking to an infant.

Indeed. Despite Jae Duc’s good looks and powerful breaking skills that charmed many others, he had a terrible reputation around here. The man simply loved new faces because old ones bore him. So he was constantly hunting for different ones. And once he’s done with them….he tosses them aside like throwing away a piece of useless trash. Which was something Ji Won never approved of….


Eun Ji Won was different from Jae Duc. He carried on a darker and mysterious look that attracted many others. He was never that much of a talker and he rarely shows his emotions. Like an unbreakable piece of ice, he was like an enigma….A puzzling, ambiguous and inexplicable piece of maze that was waiting to be solved. Many found him fascinating and appealing but most of them failed when they attempted to get close to him. The man was full of spikes….once you touch him, you’ll bleed.

Within and outside the sphere, there were many admirers that were dying to go out with Ji Won. He didn’t have to search for a companion. But instead of welcoming them into his arms, he turned them all down. He didn’t want to take advantage of the situation because he didn’t want to become another Kim Jae Duc.

He was still searching for that special someone. That one person who he will feel compatible and comfortable with. When he met Jae Jin, his quest came to a stop….


Lee Jae Jin. The man with a calm and placid exterior. His appearance wasn’t exactly handsome and good-looking. But his elegant and fine demeanor, along with his mature and charming personality had won many hearts. Ever since Ji Won came into the circle, the two of them had been together ever since.

Even until this day, Jae Jin still wasn’t sure that if Ji Won really cared for him. To him, Ji Won seemed transparent and crystalline. Like liquid that could easily slipped through his fingers. Ji Won was himself….a person who belonged to no other. For the longest time, terror haunted Jae Jin and he had a feeling that he couldn’t hold onto the man for long.

But Ji Won didn’t lay an eye on anyone else….He invited Jae Jin into his world with open arms and Jae Jin discarded all of his disturbing thoughts and gladly accepted Ji Won’s offer.

As long as Jae Jin could still hold onto Ji Won, that was all he asked for.


Jang Su Won. He hadn’t said a word ever since Ji Won showed up and his large and curious eyes were constantly exploring his surroundings. His expression on his smooth face was odd and uncomfortable.

When Jae Duc was using his hands to feel around Su Won body, Su Won didn’t really resist. But it was obvious that he was very uneasy and was too embarrassed to say anything.

After Ji Won had exposed what Jae Duc was trying to hide, Jae Duc’s face paled as the colors drained from his straining cheeks. Working his jaws in fury, he jerked his hands away from Su Won and picked up his glass. Bringing the rim of it towards his lips, he gulped the freezing liquid down his throat as a way to vent his anger that had erupted.

Freed from Jae Duc’s grasp for the time being, a look of relief could been seen from Su Won as he leaned back against the sofa. Ji Won wanted to laugh at the bizarreness of it all but Jae Jin silenced him with a look.

The 2 of them could always communicate without speaking out loud and this was one of those times when words weren’t needed.

Jae Jin wrapped his arms around Ji Won’s shoulders and pulled him closer with a sudden jerk. Ji Won shifted his gaze and their eyes eventually met up. It was the same pair of eyes that glanced back at him….the concerning and caring eyes that were always there for him for the past 2 years.

A warm feeling filled his heart and Ji Won’s pursed up lips fell into a delightful smile.

As for Jae Duc, his prickly glare still hung from his eyes and his face was still bright red and filled with ire that wouldn’t go away.


Silence fell over the 4 like a piece of deafening music and Jae Jin thought he should at least say something to the new boy to break the tenseness that seemed to overwhelm the young man. He knows exactly how Su Won must have felt now and he felt sympathetic towards him.

“Su Won….How did you find out about ‘this’ place?”

Carefully, Jae Jin torn his eyes away from Ji Won’s and glanced over at Su Won’s direction.

With this sort of bare question, Su Won could feel his back going stiff and he wasn’t very comfortable with answering. Even if he had decided to live the rest of his life this way….it still seemed dishonorable and obscene.

He lifted his head and looked up. The look of shame filled his eyes….He hesitated for a moment before he made his reply. And when he spoke, his soft voice was low and almost inaudible….

“I….I met Jae Duc a little while back in Pusan. Because of the new school I’m attending, I moved here about a week ago. Jae Duc is the one who brought me ‘here’….”

He answered. He had no idea that he unintentionally emphasized on the word: here. Taking a sip from the alcohol that laid before him, he sank lower into his seat like a humiliated child that had just revealed his deepest and darkest secret.

Ji Won listened in silence. This all seemed so familiar to his eyes….Thinking about his hidden past and looking at Su Won, a deep sigh escaped his lips. He knew that after today….another immoral tale was about to begin.

A tale that not many are willing to listen. If they did, most of them probably wouldn’t even understand if it were told.

Why? Because people like ‘them’ are not accepted in the outside world….The ugliness of it all are simply too frightening for others to comprehend.

So in this realm, they will always remain secluded….parted from the rest of acceptable clique.


[No Going Back] – (Part 2)

Kang Sung Hoon brushed his brown antenna bangs away from his cheeks and approached Jae Duc’s table. Sung Hoon was one of the waiters here and since the guys came here so often, he knows all three of them by names.

“Ji Won….Where have you been these days???? Did you know that Jae Jin had been here waiting for you to show up every single night?”

Sung Hoon had the same toothy grin on his face when he greeted his guests.

As if the words were distasteful to Ji Won’s ears, the warm colors on his face faded away and an irritated one had replaced it.

He knows that Jae Jin had a lot of love and affection to offer. But he wasn’t sure if he was ready for them.

So Ji Won hated it when something like this happens….It was one of those times when he felt like he was the cause and that all the burdens of blame were on him.

“I thought I told you not to wait for me, Lee Jae Jin. I never made you any PROMISES that I will come. Why don’t you just listen?….”

When he turned to Jae Jin, a flick of fire came into his eyes and his voice had dropped down to a furious hiss. Low and dangerous….

Jae Jin’s eyes are hurtful now. He knows exactly what Ji Won is thinking. It was the same old feeling that crept furtively around the edges of their minds, the feeling that their being had been engulfed in their entire life….

Like germs, their hands were covered with it….and it would NEVER come off no matter what happens.

It was guilt. Nothing but guilt.

Sung Hoon watched them with confused eyes and he could sense an altercation coming.

“Wow….Calm down, you 2. No need to fight….How about this? The drinks are on me tonight. What do you say?”

Sung Hoon patted both of them on their backs and broke the odd silence. Magically, his attempt to put out the fire worked.

Slowly, the furtive look was gone from Ji Won’s face but his brows furrowed deeply. Jae Jin only vacillated for a moment, and then stifled a sigh. He knows that if they keep this up, it would only mean a fight with Ji Won later. And if that happens, it would be stupid and pointless….

“Fine. Get us the usual, Sung Hoon….”

Jae Jin crossed his arms and finally spat as he bit himself on the lip bitterly.

Relieved that the situation had toned down a bit, Sung Hoon nodded in understanding and scurried away.


Ji Won couldn’t stand the questioning look in Jae Jin’s eyes that seemed to be intensifying every passing second….

Inside, he could feel the dam he had built around his anger begin to crumble under Jae Jin’s saddening gaze.

The ire, the simmering fury that had threatened to overwhelm him only a few minutes before….was gone. And now, guiltiness had replaced it.

[God. Why must you do this to yourself, Lee Jae Jin? Why must you center your life on me? I’m not worth it…..Not worth it at all.]

Turning away, Ji Won noticed Su Won’s pair of dazed eyes glued to his movements. Like a child that’s fascinated with a foreign object, Su Won was watching him, studying him, observing the man that he was unfamiliar with but clearly interested in. Full of adoration and admiration…..

Ji Won felt uneasy then…….Because Su Won reminded him too much of his old self…..TOO MUCH.

It was the same old Eun Ji Won that he had lost a long time ago…..The old Eun Ji Won that was still innocent, pure, uncontaminated, and uncorrupted….

Now, Su Won was about to become one of them….Su Won was about to lose his young and simple soul.

Once you go on this path, there is no going back. No matter where you turn, the result is still going to be the same. It this what all of them are bound to become? Is there no other ending to this story?


Jae Duc watched the enigmatic interaction that was going on between Ji Won and Su Won in silence. When he realized what was really happening, his lips pursed up tight and his jaws locked automatically.

He knows that when being compared to Ji Won, he seemed like nothing…..Insignificant.

It was a fact that he had recognized a long time ago but still couldn’t accept until this day.

The truth is, there were plenty new faces for Jae Duc to hunt….He didn’t have to fight Ji Won for this one. But if he couldn’t have Su Won, then he is not going to let Ji Won claim his prize so easily either.

At that moment, Jae Duc’s head swam and his brain calculated….He decided that it would be fun to see Jae Jin and Ji Won tear each other’s eyes out. With Su Won in the middle….his plan should work perfectly.

He wanted to see Jae Jin lose his gentleness……..He wanted to see Ji Won lose his temper.

[Haa haa! It should be fun to watch] Jae Duc thought to himself with a grin….

It should be nothing but pure amusement.


Turning to Su Won, Jae Duc’s lips instantly curled into a mocking smile. His voice was as relentless as his eyes.

“Su Won….I’m going downstairs to have some fun. So I’ll just let Ji Won and Jae Jin take care of you for the rest of the night….I’m sure you can learn a couple of tricks or two from this lovely couple. Isn’t that right, Ji Won?”

Jae Duc’s sudden interruption snapped Su Won and Ji Won out of their trance.

Full of suspicion, Ji Won threw his head up and his eyes met squarely with Jae Duc’s.

[How odd] Ji Won thought to himself. [Jae Duc is suddenly abandoning his little friend that he was just drooling all over a few minutes ago. What changed his mind?]

Suddenly, Ji Won couldn’t tell what was going on around him anymore. He had lost track of things.

“Go ahead, Jae Duc. Ji Won and I will make sure Su Won goes home safely later.”

It was Jae Jin who spoke this time as he ended the conversation. The peacefulness in his voice sounded so unusual and strange….it was almost as if he were faking it.

Snarling through clenched teeth, Jae Duc didn’t want to look like a fool for sticking around. Obvious, he didn’t belong here anymore.

A dark shadow fell upon Jae Duc’s face as he rose from his seat. Madness held him down tightly in its grip and his veins had already popped up starkly from his skin like snakes. He picked up the glass and gulped the rest of the intoxicating drink down his throat. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he gave Ji Won one last burning look before he slammed the glass back down onto the table. Doing his best to put the feelings of jealously that rose unbidden from somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind, Jae Duc walked away.

Su Won was then left behind as he sat rigidly…

[No Going Back] – (Part 3) Ji Won’s Dark Past
All 3 of them knew that by the end of the night, the conclusion of this tale wouldn’t be too pleasing. It was obvious.
Although none of them had any idea what was going to happen next, this story still had to move on.
“Tell us about your life story, Su Won. I want to hear it.”
Jae Jin stroked his dark and silky hair with his hand. His eyes were softer than ever as he spoke.
Su Won braced himself for a moment and shook his head. His hands were folded in his lap and there was an oddly blank look on his face. Like he was afraid that the longer he stayed, the further he would sank into his fear….His fear to face his new soul.
“My life story? Doesn’t everyone here have a past that they rather not discuss?”
Su Won replied. The last word flicked from his lips like a whip as it slashed onto Jae Jin’s and Ji Won’s heart.
It’s true. Everyone had a past. They all had a secret affair that they wanted to hide from others.
Numbness began to spread across Ji Won’s body and he closed his eyes to ease the feeling. When he did that, the old memories gleamed before his eyes like projector film.
Suddenly, Ji Won was sent back through time and he had to relive his past. The past that he had kept buried deeply in the back of his mind….
The Eun’s were a poor family. Ji Won was the younger one out of the 2 children. As long as he could remember, his parents were constantly fussing and fighting over the subject of money.
Sometimes, the entire family would go on days without food in their stomachs because they had no income. Those long and unbearable days of hunger kept him awake at night when he tried to relinquish himself to the darkness of fate that began to close in around him. But no matter how hard he tried, the reality was still there and sleep would not come.
When Ji Won entered junior high, his father couldn’t take it anymore so he walked out on them. Leaving them behind with debts that they could never pay off.
After that, both children had to work to support the family because obviously the mother couldn’t do it alone. And because of the large amount of money they owed, the weight upon the kids’ shoulders only got heavier as the days went by.
From that point on, Ji Won’s childhood was filled with nothing but pure misery. Because of that, the boy had almost forgotten how to smile….how to laugh.
The sky seemed gray and cloudy….the sunshine could never break through.
When Ji Won entered high school, due to his excellent academic records, a private boarding school had accepted him.
At first, Ji Won was proud of himself. He could see that all of his hard work had paid off.
Then reality hits him again. The financial situation had gotten so terrible for his family at that time that Ji Won decided to quit going to school all together so he could help out his family by working full-time. To him, putting food onto the table was more important than anything else.
But his older brother insisted to have Ji Won continue his education that himself never completed. He didn’t want to see Ji Won live the rest of his life in regrets.
So the older boy worked his butt off….3 jobs at a time to pay for Ji Won’s tuition. So Ji Won wouldn’t have to worry about money problems and instead, he could concentrate more on his schoolwork.
Ji Won admired his brother for all the things that he had done and all the sacrifices that he had made. Since their father was gone, Ji Won felt that his brother was the only one he could look up to and rely on. As long as his brother was around, Ji Won was not afraid of anything. Because he knows that there will always be wings there protecting him from harms. His brother’s wings were his shelter….A place where he could run to when he needed help and guidance.
Then things changed quickly. His brother suddenly fell in love with a girl and decided to get married. His wedding day struck Ji Won like unexpected lightening and left him scarred.
His brother made him promises that he would always be there for him. The promises that were stars in Ji Won’s dreamy sky. And now, they are broken, they left the world dark and lonely and made him distrustful of everything he was ever told.
Ji Won cried his eyes out the night of the wedding and his tears of sorrow wouldn’t stop falling. He had lost his brother forever….He had lost the person he loved the most in this entire world to another. Which was a girl.
He didn’t understand why his brother would choose a girl over him. Wasn’t he important enough?
His suppressed feelings were lashed out then and that was when Ji Won noticed his ‘abnormal behavior’. He suddenly realized what his ‘agonies’ meant.
It was a strange emotion that Ji Won never thought he would ever experience.
It meant that….He was not only deeply in love with his brother, he had fallen in love with a man.
When Ji Won became a sophomore, a new student came into his class. His name was Ko Ji Yong and his princely looking face had many girls fallen head over heels for him.
Although Ji Yong’s academic records basically sucked, since he was failing all of his classes and was constantly on probation, he was still very popular among the girls.
But the strange thing was, whenever girls flirted with him, Ji Yong usually just ignored them. He wouldn’t even smile or talk to them.
In class, there were no assigned seats but Ji Yong always made sure he gets to sit next to Ji Won. He would even write Ji Won little notes about nothing in particular when the teacher wasn’t looking….Completely neglecting the fact that if he gets caught, it only meant one more trip to the principle’s office. The place where he practically visited everyday.
Then gradually, the 2 of them became close friends. They talked about everything.
Ji Yong even told Ji Won a lot of personal things that he sworn were never told to anyone else.
“I trust you that’s why I’m telling you this, Ji Won.”
He said with a sweet smile.
Unlike Ji Won, Ji Yong was born in an extremely wealthy upper class family as the only child. However, he was never close to his parents….he rarely saw them at all. His father was always out on countless business meetings and trips…His mother on the other hand, was always out spending money that the father had brought home. Buying, purchasing things that they didn’t really need.
Born within such an environment, Ji Yong never lacked any material things. Whatever he wanted, he always get it. Money wasn’t a problem at all.
But Ji Yong didn’t feel loved. His parents barely spent any time with him. The house was always empty and only the nanny and the butler were there to accompany him, along with numerous servants that Ji Yong couldn’t even name.
So Ji Yong’s childhood was filled with nothing but pure loneliness. No one really cared about him. And the people that his parents hired to look out after him…..were only doing it because it was their job. Because they were PAID to do so….
Craving for attention, Ji Yong turned to smoking, drinking, even drugs. He didn’t do well academically and he was constantly expelled from school for fights that he purposely started.
Ji Yong wasn’t stupid. He knew deep in his heart that what he was doing wasn’t right. But it was his own way of begging for his parents to notice his existence. His own way to win his parents focus.
However, instead of giving their only son the love and care that were unlimited and free….His parents tried to solve the problem with cash.
They send him from one psychiatrist to another, hoping to improve his behavior by getting him so-called professional help.
When that didn’t work, they decided to switch schools. So they flew Ji Yong from this boarding school to the other….like passing an unwanted orphan from one foster home into another.
Ji Yong felt unwanted. He hated his parents for that. Why couldn’t they see past his act of frustration? Why couldn’t they just sit down and try to talk to him about it?
All he wanted was to be loved. Why couldn’t they just give him that?
Ji Won felt sympathetic after hearing Ji Yong’s story. He finally understood Ji Yong’s dark side….With no more secrets between them, the 2 were brought closer together.
One weekend, when most students parted from the school to go home and visit their family, Ji Yong and Ji Won were the only ones left on the 2nd floor of the dormitory.
Ji Won didn’t want to go home and face his brother that he had grew apart from…And Ji Yong didn’t want to return to the empty house. So they stayed….
After dinner was over, the 2 of them headed towards the boy’s shower to take their baths.
As the warm water shot down from the showerhead above, the steam began to fill the air and the sweet aroma of the soap met it halfway.
Ji Won stood there for a moment and let himself drown in the rain. As the liquid sprinkled onto his tanned skin, he felt refreshed….renewed even.
Then suddenly, he heard footsteps running towards his stall and before he could turn around, Ji Yong barged in and jerked the curtains open.
“Ji Yong?”
Ji Won gasped out of surprise.
There Ji Yong was….wet and naked. He was crying as tears streamed down his pale cheeks… tiny little crystals as they shone before Ji Won’s eyes.
Choking onto his own wrenching sobs, Ji Yong cried out to Ji Won and told the boy that he couldn’t stand it anymore. He always craved for his parents attention…Especially his father’s. But in return, he received none from the man.
Then he turned to his mother, which changed nothing at all. She was only a none existent. A person he saw randomly at times but couldn’t reach out to.
Because of that, Ji Yong’s mind became unbalanced. He was afraid, scared to be alone….
Now, he only desired for another boy who understood him to love him in all those ways. And that boy was Ji Won.
With glistened eyes, Ji Yong wept endlessly and his desperate cries came to a shock to Ji Won’s ears.
Stunned, Ji Won remained frozen in place and before his mind could find him the right words to say, Ji Yong stepped up and threw himself against Ji Won who was also bare. And that was when their bodies came into direct contact for the first time.
Ji Won’s eyes shot wide and his mouth gaped open at the shuddering sensation. Ji Yong’s silky skin brushed lightly against his and he felt hypnotized at the touch.
Lost of words, Ji Won’s hands trembled as his fingers came upon Ji Yong’s smooth back as his arms wrapped around his friend.
Ji Yong’s sobs echoed in his ears as the water continued to bathe them. As their breaths twirled together in mid-air, that became Ji Won’s first physical encounter with another.
After that, the 2 of them grew apart. A great gap had came between them and neither of them could figure out what really happened in the shower that night.
Wasn’t it dirty and wrong? Wasn’t it corrupted and sinful? But at the same time, it felt right. Or did it?
From that point, they avoided each other and acted like total strangers when they see each other. Neither of them could look into the other’s eyes.
Why? They had no idea. All they knew was that they were both confused….Perhaps full of regrets.
Then finals came and Ji Won decided to push all this aside and concentrate on his schoolwork.
But Ji Yong on the other hand, had only gotten worse as he headed further down the road to destruction. He became involved in numerous gang activities and he accidentally shot one of their rivals with a gun and committed murder.
Ji Won found out and he couldn’t believe it was happening. Was it his fault? Was he the reason that drove Ji Yong up to this?
He tried to contact Ji Yong but he couldn’t find him no matter what he did. Ji Won was then later notified that Ji Yong was found guilty in court for his crime.
Before Ji Yong went into jail, he wrote Ji Won a letter. It was a short and straight forward one.
Ji Won….
Our first time will be our last, I will always remember it.
Please don’t feel responsible for what happened. I brought this entirely upon myself and I only have myself to blame.
Don’t come looking for me, I don’t want to be your burden. Move on without me. I know you will do well in the future and I wish you the best.
Ko Ji Yong
After that, Ji Yong disappeared and the 2 had lost contact with each other ever since.
[No Going Back]- (Part 4)
Ji Won did try to forget about his past, but it wasn’t easy. The harder he tried to forget, the deeper the scar seemed to get.
Thinking about each and every time his heart had been ripped out of one world and carried off to another, not once did he overcome his sadness. Each time someone left Ji Won, they took a little bit of something from him. First it was his brother who left him for a woman, then it was Ji Yong who deserted him and faded into the darkness.
Why? He loved them both but was also abandoned by both.
Ji Won began to fear there would be nothing left to take away to a new place. He only had so much love to give. He was fragile….almost empty. Losing his strength. Like a piece of thin glass that could shatter any minute if there were any impact at all.
Su Won gazed over at Ji Won with gentle eyes as he listened to Ji Won’s tale in dead silence.
“That was such a beautiful story….”
He finally said.
Instantly, Ji Won lifted his head up and looked at Su Won as if there were some spiritual meaning to the boy’s words.
“No. It wasn’t a story, Su Won. It was a past that I’m trying to walk away from….”
He emphasized.
“I understand. As for me, I don’t even have a ‘past’. I’m still living under my shadow and can’t walk away from it. That’s why I came here. I came here to start my own ‘past’.”
Su Won admitted wistfully with his head down in defeat. When he heard himself revealing his own secret, it nearly brought tears to his own eyes. He could almost feel them now, rising against the floodgates, threatening to overflow and send torrents down his cheeks.
Biting himself on the lip, Ji Won saw his old self being reflected on Su Won….Once again, those painful past drowned him for the countless time and he was long lost within his memories.
Closing his eyes in agony, he saw faces then. He saw his father, his brother, and lastly….he saw Ji Yong. He was still the same handsome boy with the sweet smile.
Ji Won didn’t even notice the tears that were clouding his eyes until Jae Jin’s arms came hovering from above like a protective coat. Suddenly, he felt the Jae Jin’s soft lips on his dampened lids as the tears were being kissed away.
“Ji Won. Let the past go. Just let it go….”
As if he wanted to take on some of Ji Won’s pain, Jae Jin whispered softly into Ji Won’s ear as he embraced the sobbing man in his arms. He didn’t seem to notice Ji Won flinching in resistance in the process.
“It’s easy for you to say, but hard for me to do.”
Reluctantly, Ji Won fluttered his eyelids open and pushed Jae Jin away as if Jae Jin’s touch had burned his skin.
When he did that, Jae Jin had a strange look in his eyes, one that Ji Won had never seen before. His face was stern, angry, full of disappointment, but he also looked hurt, in some deep emotional pain.
He couldn’t understand Ji Won’s behavior and the poignant expression on his face only darkened some more.
At that moment, Ji Won could feel his heart sank. He couldn’t speak, he couldn’t swallow, he couldn’t breathe.
He hated himself for doing this to Jae Jin. During these 2 years, Jae Jin had been so patient and loving and understanding. But now, Ji Won could very well drive him away.
Jae Jin would suddenly let go and leave him dangling, wandering, searching for his identity again. When will Ji Won ever find it?
Being the gentleman that he usually was, Jae Jin said nothing about Ji Won’s rejection. The only thing he did was to fix his eyes on Ji Won with such fury and frustration, that it made Ji Won look away.
Afraid that he would lose his composure soon, Jae Jin suddenly slapped his hand onto the table and nearly knocked all the drinks over. Shocked, Ji Won and Su Won jumped in their seats.
“Excuse me, I have to go make a phone call.”
Jae Jin said icily. The cold and bitter tone in his voice froze Ji Won’s heart.
The moment Jae Jin rose from his seat, panic welled deeply inside Ji Won and he wanted to ask the man to stay. But those words never parted from his sealed lips. Because no matter what he says now, it would never erase what was happening between them.
How stupid and foolish. Ji Won had hurt the one person who loved him the most in this world.
Afraid to utter a sound, Ji Won could only watch Jae Jin’s back disappear to the other side of the dimension with eyes of remorse.
The clock struck 12 then. A lot of people around them were already gone except for a few that stayed.
Su Won shifted uncomfortably in his seat, as if reluctant to speak. He lowered his gaze to his glass and then looked up at Ji Won again.
“Have you 2 know each other for long?” He asked.
Not catching the purpose behind the question, Ji Won nodded and turned.
“About 2 years.”
He said. Their eyes met and locked for the countless time.
“Only him and no one else?”
Su Won gathered all of his courage and pressed on. But this time, his face flashed in red and his voice was as tiny as a bird.
Ji Won stared at the pure face long and hard for a second. The face that reminded him of his old self.
At that peculiar moment, the blackness of the night danced around him, seemed to close in on him, and the unseeing feeling blossomed inside him.
For some unknown reason, Ji Won was suddenly struck with the desire to cradle Su Won in his embrace and let his tears that had been buried deeply escape. This bizarre feeling came so unexpectedly and Ji Won didn’t know how to handle it.
He only shook his head in the end and smiled again, tenderly.
“What do you expect me to tell you?”
There was a long pause.
“I…..I don’t really know.”
With his head down, Su Won admitted with trembling lips.
Then it was silence between them again. Ji Won took a long gulp of his scotch and soda, as if to fortify himself.
“Well, it was just Jae Jin and I these past 2 years. But until this day, I still don’t know who or what I really want…..”
He confessed as he leaned forward and folded his hands on the table.
Su Won’s back went stiff and he felt as if a lead lump had gotten stuck in his chest. Sitting up straight, he swallowed hard. He could hear the desperation in Ji Won’s voice. It was the same lack of fulfillment that he had always felt in his heart.
Before neither of them could say anything else, Sung Hoon suddenly appeared with a note in his hand.
“Ji Won. Jae Jin left you this note. I asked him why he’s leaving without you and he only said that something important had came up and he had to go.”
“What!!??? He left????”
Stunned, Ji Won shot out of his seat and exclaimed as if the news had struck him as thunder.
“Yeah….He left. Here, take this.”
Sung Hoon shrugged and placed the note next to Ji Won’s drink.
Ji Won remained paralyzed for a moment. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t speak. His mind was jammed with all sorts of confusion.
Su Won could see the moisture in Ji Won’s eyes as the man pressed his palm against his pounding heart and fell back into the chair like a soft paper doll, his gray face even more ashen.
Jae Jin left? Why? Ji Won didn’t understand.
Still unable to recover from his shock, Ji Won unfolded the piece of paper with his trembling hands and unwillingly, his wide eyes scanned over the neat handwriting.
Ji Won, it’s over between us and I’m leaving.
I know you didn’t belong to me during these 2 years and you still don’t. I have no right to tie you down. Especially after what I saw here tonight, I am convinced that this is all for the best. I can tell from the look in your eyes that you already found the ‘one’ who you are really looking for. His name is Jang Su Won, isn’t it?
Although tears are already traveling down my cheeks while I write this, I know I shouldn’t be sad to part from you. Because I didn’t really lose you since I never owned you, right?
So just go. Flap your wings and fly high in the sky. I only want the best for you and this is it.
Goodbye, forever….
Lee Jae Jin
Ji Won’s lips trembled as he sat there numbly holding the piece of thin paper in his hands.
He was still in denial….refusing to believe what was happening.
Was he hypnotized? Was this only a dream?
But deep in his heart, he knew it was all true. Jae Jin, the one person who he thought would never leave him, had left him. Ji Won had chased him away after all.
Su Won could see the water crystals glistening in Ji Won’s eyes and he had some idea of what was going on.
“What is it?”
He asked, still in aghast.
Ji Won bit himself on the lip and made no reply. Tears flooded his eyes but he kept them trapped. He was determined not to cry….at last not yet.
A thin layer of fog was drifting from the sea and no more than a gentle swirl of mist eddied around the treetops.
When Ji Won and Su Won emerged from the glass doors, the night seemed darker than ever out there. The big eye of the moon climbed its way up the starry sky. It gave off light radiance from above that made Ji Won and Su Won felt so brittle under its touch.
“Every story has to end.”
Ji Won peered up into the sky and inhaled deeply through his nose following by a deep sigh. It depressed Su Won to hear the quaver in his voice.
“Let’s just go, ok?”
Su Won’s whispered softly. His strong arm slid protectively around Ji Won’s shoulder.
When Su Won drew him closer into the warm embrace, Ji Won somehow felt a little better as he closed his eyes and let Su Won’s steady heartbeat block away the loneliness he felt inside.

Note: The following might be offending to some. So Izam apologizes ahead of time.
[No Going Back] – (Part 5)
Inside Ji Won’s room, Su Won’s hands fumbled as he unbuttoned his own shirt. He was willing to give himself away tonight….
Seconds later, the white cotton material slipped off Su Won’s shoulders like a feather and slowly, his broad and masculine chest was revealed.
Under the moonlight that flooded in from the window, it gave Su Won’s skin a smooth and glossy touch.
Ji Won was unable to look and he cowered at the edge of the bed with his face buried in his hands. He was afraid of what was going to come next……Extremely afraid.
Indeed, he couldn’t deny the fact that there was a cryptic chemistry between them. It had been a long time since a man made him feel like the way Su Won had made him feel. But he wasn’t sure if he was ready for this. Su Won was too beautiful, too enigmatic and too untouchable.
When Su Won ducked beneath the sheet and slipped closer to Ji Won, his body heat radiated and made Ji Won flinch in dismay.
“Ji Won? What is it? Did I do something wrong?”
Su Won whispered, his voice soft and very intimate.
“No. But….this is difficult for me. You’ve got to believe that…I know that this is your first time and I don’t want to force you.”
Ji Won stammered and his hands dropped to his lap in slow motion. But with his head down, he was still averting Su Won’s questioning eyes.
“You didn’t force me, Ji Won. I want to be here….”
Su Won leaned over and grabbed Ji Won’s wrist by force. He turned it over and kissed the place where the pulse throbbed just beneath the pale flesh as he planted his hot mouth onto his partner’s skin.
It was no doubt in his mind that he didn’t need to think about this. He was willing to be Ji Won’s other half.
When Su Won’s lips brushed up upon Ji Won’s tanned skin, it sent an electric shock through Ji Won that rendered him completely flustered. The physical contact was brief but it made his heart flip-flop on its own.
Unconsciously, Ji Won began to wonder what it would be like to have Su Won hold him in his arms, to feel the curve of the man’s sensual lips as they covered his…..
The atmosphere in the room seemed to close in on him and made his heart pound. At that moment, Ji Won knew it could only mean one thing. He was falling in love with Su Won……Falling in very quickly.
But still, there was that nagging question at the back of his mind: Was this really the right thing to do?
Ji Won didn’t want to admit it, because if it didn’t work out, he would have to face the disappointment of failure all over again. In his whole life, he couldn’t seem to escape from the sense of failing…..
“I….I can’t. I’m afraid that I’ll end up hurting you. You still have a chance to live a normal life, Su Won….I don’t want you to end up like me.”
Ji Won strained and eventually lifted his sad eyes. When their visions touched, Su Won saw a pain in Ji Won’s dark forests that he couldn’t identify.
“Ji Won. In this world, besides the love between a woman and a man, there are still other kinds of affection and bond. Kinds like ours. We are not doing anything wrong….”
Su Won explained. Impulsively, he reached out and stroked Ji Won’s thick and raven hair with his fingers….letting the soft strands slip through the tips time after time.
Ji Won could feel his own eyes burning with tears now but he held them back. He pursed his lips up bitterly and was determined not to let his sorrow take over.
“I know. We are all the same….just because we express our infatuations in a different way, it doesn’t make us any less of a human being. But sometimes I wonder if it weren’t for our broken past….we wouldn’t turn out this way.”
As soon those words rolled out of Ji Won’s lips, the scene of his father walking out of his life, the scene of his brother leaving him for another woman, and the last letter he received from Ji Yong……Suddenly, they replayed in Ji Won’s mind. Repeating over and over.
Watching the expression on Ji Won’s handsome face turning from grievous to poignant, Su Won instantly took Ji Won’s arm and pulled him close to comfort him. Ji Won felt weak then and he leaned against Su Won’s body…taking a sensual pleasure in Su Won’s warm and virile strength…..Using the delight to compensate for his pain.
“Why must we be tortured? All we ever wanted was to be loved. Is that so much to ask????”
Su Won began to wonder out loud. Asking the same question that lingered in Ji Won’s mind. Those words stung….Because even until this day, neither of them had came up with an answer.
Odd silence fell upon the 2 and tears were threatening to escape Ji Won’s lids. He could almost feel them now, ready to burst out of his floodgates.
“I don’t know, Su Won….Maybe our desire and wish is only a dream? A fantasy? A bubble that didn’t really exist? We are chasing after something that probably didn’t belong to us. We are like little children who are trying to reach for the stars in the sky….Thinking that one day maybe we will catch it.”
Finally, Ji Won breathed deeply with miseries shedding….tumbling down his cheeks in drops. It crushed Su Won to see that. He couldn’t bear it. Reaching out, he grabbed the man by the shoulders and towed him closer….Engulfing the man into his embrace…..
When Ji Won closed his tiring eyes, he felt Su Won’s tender lips on his wet lashes as the boy traced a line of marvelous kisses down to his mouth. This time, Ji Won was no longer cringing inside and he made no signs of resistance.
He too, had decided to let himself go and be completed. His heart was telling him that Su Won was the only one who could fill up the emptiness he felt inside.
As if they had practiced this numerous times, they laid in bed together, their mouths gently exploring each other’s unspoken words. Very slowly, Su Won’s tongue pushed between Ji Won’s parting lips and without speaking, Su Won told the man more about the way he felt than any words he could have spoken.
It was an intense moment of suspense when Su Won climbed his way down Ji Won’s dark and muscular chest. Leaving his flaming breath as marks when he wandered about.
Shuddering, Ji Won moaned and unconsciously made a weak show of protest at first. But then he sighed and his arms wrapped around Su Won’s neck….his hands kneading Su Won’s sweat-damp hair.
Although Su Won had never done this before, he was expertly speaking the language of ecstasy. He needed no experience, no practice. His fondness and passion, his desire and craving to claim Ji Won was showing him the steps. Telling him what and how to do it….
When Su Won’s affectionate lips continued to work his way down to the abyss, his breath grew deep and heavy, soft and moist….He could hear the satisfying evidence of his efficacy as Ji Won groaned and squirmed beneath him like a helpless victim.
As Su Won fondled and grazed Ji Won with his caress, electric shocks fired throughout Ji Won’s body and boiling blood shot up his brain like a bullet. Gradually, Ji Won grew rigid and then waken as his back arched on its own….Pleasant feeling washed over him and he uttered a delighted cry when he finally reached his crisis.
When it was over, they broke apart and Su Won rolled over to lie beside Ji Won. Both spent and satiated, they embraced each other and kissed gently.
There was no denying that something special had happened between them. Something beautiful, something wonderful. Su Won was sure that Ji Won had felt it, too.
Smiling sweetly, Su Won snuggled closer to Ji Won’s chest to feel his partner’s heart rising and falling in a steady rhythm. That was when Ji Won heard Su Won’s mild whisper….
“I love you….”
Gasping for a moment, Ji Won almost couldn’t and didn’t believe his ears. Su Won had said the 3 magic words. This was the exact scene Ji Won had been waiting for all his life….And now it was finally being played out.
Slowly, Ji Won’s eyes swayed and fell upon Su Won’s. When he gazed deeply into them, he saw that they were glassy….almost sad. But still innocent and pure as ever………
Ji Won could feel his own face breaking into a smile and looking dazed, he wanted to tell Su Won the same thing in the only way he knew how….
Su Won watched with curious eyes as Ji Won’s sweaty body came hovering from above like a human coat. It appeared that the role between them had changed. Su Won was no longer the one in control.
“What are you doing?”
He asked with a sound of surprise in his voice as their figures lay pressed tightly together again.
“Instead of saying those 3 words back to you, I’m going to show you how I really feel about you…..”
Ji Won told him, his voice lower than ever.
Su Won was physically exhausted then but his insides were still churning. When he made no signs of rebel, Ji Won leaned in and their forehead touched….His damp hair gently slipped down and brushed against Su Won’s tender cheeks like strings of silk
“All right. Go ahead, Ji Won. ‘Show’ me…..”
As the ticklish sensation began to spread, Su Won’s lips curved into another reserved smile and he murmured deeply and closed his eyes.
For the remaining night, he let Ji Won’s delicate flesh fill his own again and again.
[No Going Back] – (Part 6)
On the sidewalk in front of the Six Crystals, Ji Won and Su Won stood and necked like teenagers until not even their happiness and passion could stave off the cold.
“I still have to clean up after the ruins I left behind. You understand, don’t you?”
Pulling away, Ji Won’s black eyes were glinting under the moonlight. They were sad and apologetic eyes.
Smiling softly, Su Won nodded and leaned against Ji Won, taking a sensual pleasure in Ji Won’s warm, masculine strength so it would momentarily chase away the later night chill.
Su Won knew why they were here in the first place. Ji Won had explained it to him on their way here. Ji Won felt horrible about how things ended with Ji Yong…. Therefore, he wanted see Jae Jin for the last time so he could put a closure to things. He couldn’t use Jae Jin’s note as a tool for conclusion.
Still haunted by the pang of guilt, Ji Won threw his arms around Su Won as he give the man a passionate yet reassuring kiss and hugged him tightly to the warmth of his chest. Su Won blushed and finally relented; kissing Ji Won on the cleft of his chin with a smile, and Ji Won leaned over to kiss him again, more deeply this time….
Six Crystals.
The night was still the same. The air filled with different mixes of strange aromas and whispers. On the outside, the real world and its colors, sounds and scenery all seemed somehow smaller and faded. But in here, it was as if you had been transported out of your body and into another time and place. For the space of a couple of hours, you live in a world far more intense, far more real than the one that waited for you outside.
Jae Duc. Still the same old Kim Jae Duc. He had another young and fresh face with him tonight. Giggling within Jae Duc’s arms, the boy was still exploring this unfamiliar realm with his large and fascinated eyes.
Surprised to see Ji Won appearing into the seat across from him, Jae Jin’s eyes narrowed as he brought the cigarette close to his mouth and inhaled so hard that the orange ring moved visibly towards the filter.
“Jae Jin. This is the last time I’ll ever see you. From now on, I don’t think I’ll come here anymore.”
With his hands folded on the table, Ji Won told him hollowly. He felt guilty even as the thought flashed through his mind.
To Jae Jin, Ji Won’s voice sounded so distant and the words came from his mouth sounded as if they were from someone else’s. They were the words Jae Jin hardly knew existed until they came pouring out of Ji Won’s lips.
In Jae Jin’s mind, it was no doubt that he thought their romance was so promising, so perfect, so fated. But deep in his heart, he knew that by letting Ji Won go was the right thing to do. That was the reason behind the note he wrote with trembling hands. So why was he still second-guessing himself? Was it because he was still unwilling to give Ji Won up?
Still staring at Ji Won, Jae Jin exhaled the smoke deeply, feeling a great deal of sadness.
“I understand…..”
He finally mumbled softly. He had no idea that the poignant expression on his face had already belied his words.
Ji Won saw the look of tortured confusion on Jae Jin’s serene face and he almost regretted coming here. Maybe he should just leave things the way they were instead of trying to put an end to this tale. But thinking about how Ji Yong’s life was destroyed because of him, he just couldn’t bring himself to turn away. He still had to explain things to Jae Jin.
“It started here at the Six Crystals, but it will also end here. I was searching, looking for the affection I longed for and now I found it.”
Ji Won managed to say while he chewed his lip. But his breath was suddenly caught when he saw the devastation that flashed on Jae Jin’s pale face. On hesitate, Ji Won wasn’t sure if he could go on with this, but he had gone so far already….
Gazing into Jae Jin’s dark universe that was painted with sorrow, Ji Won could feel his heart ache when he continued.
“Jae Jin, I didn’t mean to hurt you….I have to admit that we ‘did’ have something special. But I also can’t deny the fact that if I stayed with you, I will be causing the both of us pain. Because we both know that my heart isn’t in it.”
Listening to those unfamiliar words, Jae Jin stiffened a little in his chair, his eyes filled with an endearing mix of expectancy and vulnerability. Indeed, his insides were twisting into knots as he spoke.
“Yes. I didn’t want to face the truth but I guess I have to now. When we were together, you still insisted on coming here….You never told me why but I knew it was because I wasn’t the one you were looking for. Now this day had finally came, you still have to leave me. So, Su Won was the one after all. He was the only one who could help you find your old self…..and make you complete.”
“Right. Su Won was searching too but he grew tired of lingering endlessly. Now that we finally found each other, we don’t want to come here anymore. We don’t need to hide in the darkness, we don’t need to seal our presence. Six Crystals may be a place for temporary escape from the harshness of the outside world. But if we keep coming here, we are still denying who we really are….”
Ji Won explained, his own stirring emotions were strangling him already.
Jae Jin didn’t say a word for a long time and he only drew deeply from the cigarette and measured Ji Won’s reaction through a blue haze of smoke. Watching the handsome face from across, Jae Jin felt Ji Won’s pain, anguish and desperation as keenly as if they were his own. If was clear to him that Ji Won was lost, sad, and alone before but now, the man seemed to have found the answers to his questions that would fulfill him. The answers that Jae Jin himself couldn’t provide.
After what felt like an eternity, Jae Jin leaned forward and crushed the cigarette into the ashtray on the table. He told himself that he had to accept that no matter what happened, he couldn’t alter what was happening between them.
“I agree, Ji Won. I think you have completed this piece of puzzle. Once we are down this road….there is no going back.”
Jae Jin finally concluded as he smiled. A smile that was obviously forced and seemed fake as ever. But deeply within, he was bleeding. Bleeding badly.
On Ji Won’s way out, a group of men emerged from the doorway and one of them abruptly caught his eyes. He was a tall and slim looking young man who had a soft and charming face….the face that resembled Ji Yong’s.
For a moment, Ji Won remained rooted to the spot and he fell into disbelief. Ji Yong????
Wheeling around, he shouted out to the figure….His voice full of incredulity.
“Wait!!!! Ji Yong????”
As if Ji Won’s desperate cry were oblivious, the man ignored him and didn’t even bother to turn. Instead, he disappeared into the crowds along with his friends as the darkness engulfed their beings.
Why? They finally met up again but why wouldn’t Ji Yong answer him????
The old memories flooded into Ji Won’s brain then and he wanted to go after Ji Yong. He couldn’t help feeling an aching nostalgia over the good times they shared together. It seemed so long ago but he still hadn’t forgotten. He finally found Ji Yong and he couldn’t lose him again. Maybe there was something he could have done to help him….Maybe they could still work something out.
But then another voice echoed in his ears….telling him that it wasn’t Ji Yong and that his eyes had tricked him. Besides, Ji Yong was part of his past….the past that he had to let go.
The glass doors slammed shut behind him and Ji Won stepped out into the night. The soft breeze slowly greeted him and for some reason, Ji Won felt revived as the wind brushed against his skin.
Was it the feeling of ‘rebirth’? He wasn’t sure. But it if was, then he finally understood what the word meant.
Under the street light, Ji Won could see that there was a firm and solid figure standing there waiting for him. As the dim ray of light touched the person’s face, it was delicate and fine as a piece of glass. A smooth glass that no one was allowed to touch but himself.
It was the person who Ji Won was looking for….the person who he had finally found after years of intense searching.
Very slowly, a smile began to dance on Ji Won’s lips and he walked towards the figure with warm and opened arms.



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