- a EunKang short story
- from The Official EunKang Thread SechsKies Eun Ji Won & Kang Sung Hoon
I knew what I’d done as soon as the door closed. Immediately, I let out the tears I’ve been holding in. The Eun Jiwon people know is strong, he’s the leader of Sechskies after all. No one will ever think that that he cries too. But knowing that you’ll never come back and I would never see you again, it feels like my world had been shattered into pieces already. I regretted telling you the opposite of what I actually feel… but you should have known, right?
You should have known that I couldn’t say it. I can’t love you back like you’ve loved me.
Loved… how fitting. I thought, smiling sadly.
I don’t deserve you. This is for the best because I knew that you deserved much more than someone like me. You’re the sunshine, where I am the darkness that threatened your very existence. As soon as my tears stopped, I began to stand up and slowly make my way to the empty bedroom that we once used to share. I crawl to the cold bed as my body curls for warmth. As I closed my eyes, I remember the days; the years; the memories we had. We slept on this bed together, whenever you would come over to my apartment, hugging each other to keep ourselves warm with our heat. It’s those days when this house was actually filled with laughter, warmth, and love… but now, it’s the complete opposite.
I heard the rain hitting hard onto the ground outside and my window, making the small apartment even emptier and colder than ever, but I won’t complain. For the things that I’ve done to you, I deserve something worse than this. The pains and regrets I have were nothing compared to what you’ve felt. For years, you had sacrificed yourself and had given so much for me without asking for any in return. You waited and waited for the love I am supposed to give you, that you deserved, until there’s no more love left for you to provide me anymore. So you left.
This is for the best… I tell myself over and over.
It’s for the best.
It’s been a month since that day, and I haven’t seen or heard from you ever since. There are days every now and again that I pretend I’m okay because I deny that I’m not.
I refuse to accept that without you, I am nothing but a shell.
I refuse to accept that without you, I won’t be able to be myself again.
I refuse to accept that, without you… life would be meaningless.
That dreadful day hangs around my head. I had so much to say, but I only watched you walk away. I didn’t have the courage to tell you what I truly feel for I knew that enough was enough. I couldn’t let you cling on to that tiny hope that something will change. It wouldn’t be fair to do that to you. You said ‘I love you’ to me at every chance you get, but I couldn’t say it back.
So now I’m here, living like a robot; a hollow shell that’s been emptied of it’s soul and emotions. It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go. It’s hard to force a smile whenever I see my colleagues, our members, and I’m alone. You’re just gone, without a trace.
It was even harder to get up and get dressed alone every day.
I find myself outside. I’m looking for a place. People were crowding in areas in an attempt to get home as soon as possible – a warm shelter where possibly a loved one is waiting for their return anxiously yet patiently. I’m searching for a face. For you. I’ve lost myself to the point that I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Nothing’s going right, everything’s a mess, but no one likes to be alone. I knew that well. What I did to you still haunts me until this day. I’ve failed to move on, unlike you. You’ve left such an impact on me that I never knew existed. It’s like that saying, “You never know what you have until it’s gone.” What an ironic quote. I almost smile that the saying keeps coming up often when one is blinded and missed what’s really important. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I desperately search for something. I’ve lost my way in the darkness that is myself, and I struggled to find the light.
Is there anybody here I know?
I run, looking for something, trying to find that something that could pull me back to the right path to take. I’m looking for you.
It was a cold dark night. Now, I stood on a bridge, trying to figure out if this life I’m living is really worth it. After futilely searching for that something, you, I found myself on a bridge; alone. Without you. There’s nothing but the heavy rain, wetting me to the bone as I listen around, but there was no sound.
Isn’t anyone trying to find me? Aren’t you trying to find me?
I slumped down to the ground, leaning my back on the railing of the bridge. Pulling out a cigarette packet from my pocket, my fingers fumbled while trying to light the cancerous stick jutted in my lips. I could still hear and remember the day you cried, whining cutely that hyung should stop smoking, so I wouldn’t die earlier than you.
That was the first day I was clean from smoking.
I started sobbing, my tears joining with the rain. I felt lost, hopeless and alone.
“Won’t somebody come take me home?” I asked in desperation.
I just want to go home. Not to my apartment, but to the place where I was needed, where I’m wanted; I wanted to go home. To you. I was tired and my body refused to move. It was numbed from the cold and wetness from the rain and harsh wind. I couldn’t feel anything, just like my heart; they were all so tiredly numb and sore. At this situation, I thought that I was going to die this way; from the cold and being alone. I wanted to smile at myself and looked back at everything I’ve done.
This is what I deserved… It’s for the best. Besides, no one will miss me… You won’t miss me anymore.
I could feel my conscience drifting away. I was so tired and sleepy that nothing mattered anymore. I just wanted to sleep now, and possibly never wake up again. Slowly, I close my eyes, relaxing my body even though I became short of breath.
This is the end for me…
However, just when I was about to completely drift into amidst of darkness, something warm covered my body from the cold. It made me open my eyes, and I saw you, staring at me with emotion I couldn’t label. You seemed to have gotten thinner too. Didn’t hyung always told you to eat more? You slipped my arms over your shoulders, and hauled me up. We didn’t say anything to each other, but you just started to walk. I didn’t know what to say, I was confused. I have no idea why you’re doing this at all. I mean, aren’t we… broken up already? Why is everything so confusing? I shook my head as I kept my head down, hair covering my eyes.
Maybe I’m just out of my mind.
You’ve walked for some time before you finally stopped, but still I didn’t look up. I heard the door open, and I knew that we were at your place. That’s because I remember clearly, you throwing the duplicate key of my place back to me. Upon entering your house, you laid me down on the floor.
“Don’t move,” you tell me, and I do so.
I wait for you to come back as I end up soaking your floor, forming a small puddle. Moments later, I hear you come back, and then rub my head to what I assume to be a small towel.
“Hyung, you’ve got to take care of yourself better,” you sounded irritated, but I think I could sense some affection in there… then again, I’m not really thinking straight. You’re always affectionate to everyone, because that’s the angel you are.
You ruffle my hair dry and still I didn’t move nor say anything. Once it seemed dry enough, you lifted me up on your shoulder again. I let out a small yelp at the sudden action, but I didn’t protest. Slowly, you made your way up the stairs and into the bathroom.
“Here,” you said, putting me down.
“Now take off your clothes hyung, the bath is ready.”
I didn’t move for some moments before finally doing what he said. When I went and sank into the warm waters, immediately I began to shiver at the contrasting feeling.
“Hey, hyung, take it slow! Your body is numb from the cold so you shouldn’t get in the tub too fast, babo,” you pulled me out.
You embraced me, probably to share your warmth to me. I miss this… I really missed being in your arms. I really missed you being in my arms. I can feel your ribs jutting out. Just how much weight did you lose? How I wanted to embrace you back, but I know better than to do that. You’re not mine anymore.
“Ok, you’ve warmed up a bit. Now you can go into the tub.”
When I sat there, you were right, it didn’t hurt as much. He proceeded to clean my body with a wet cloth, taking my arm and rubbing it gently. Like how you would always take care of me when I’m sick. After such a long silence between us, I built up the courage to look at your beautiful face. It was with a confused expression for I have no clue as to why you were being so nice to me. After everything I’ve done to you, I don’t deserve this kind of treatment.
I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I began to cry from the affection and kindness you’re showing to me. You looked at me with widened eyes out of disbelief, and I don’t blame you. After all, I’ve never shown you any emotion, for it was a show of weakness to me. Though before you could speak, I spoke first.
“Why? Why are being so nice to me after what I did to you? I don’t understand… You should hate me, Hoon-ah. I don’t deserve you at all,“ I look at you with teary eyes, my vision blurry.
“You should have left me there to freeze,” I ended.
You patted my head in an attempt to calm me down before leaning in to embrace my quivering body.
“I’m sorry,” I said in a cracked voice.
You didn’t say anything and just continued to caress my head and hold me in a comforting manner. I continued to speak, wanting to let all the agonising built up of regret off of my chest.
“I didn’t mean to anger you or to hurt you. I’ve already told you countless of times that I didn’t know how to love and yet you… still stay by my side and continued to love me. For all those years. I thought you would leave me… Even after Sechskies disbandment… After all the members left… You still stayed by me. I just… I didn’t want to love you because I’m so, so afraid you’ll leave me and I’ll be so, so hurt, that I didn’t know how much I was hurting you. I’m so sorry.” I clutched onto your shirt and buried my face.
“I know I’m asking for the impossible but p-please… Please forgive me, Hoon-ah.”
I stop and allowed silence to go in.
“Come on, hyung; let’s get you dress and ready for bed. You must be tired,” was all you said.
I was disheartened, but didn’t say anything. I sighed inwardly.
I knew he wasn’t going to forgive me that easily. I deserved it anyway.
Wordlessly, I got out of the tub, dried myself with a towel, and put on clothes that you had readied for me – your yellow Pikachu shirt that I hated but fits me perfectly and matching pyjamas pants. Then I decided to go to the living room to sleep on the couch. I didn’t want to take advantage of your hospitality any longer. You’re no longer, wait, you’re never obliged to care for me, at all. However, before I could even do so, you suddenly dragged me towards the direction of your room.
“You’re not sleeping on the couch, hyung!” you said, laying me on the bed and even going as far as tucking me in.
I gave him an incredulous look for I deserved a harsher treatment after what I’ve done. Then again, you didn’t forgive me, and that hurts more. You started to head towards the bathroom.
“I’m just going to take a quick shower and join you when I’m done.”
When you closed the door and disappeared from my sight, I sat upright and began to examine the room. The last time I came here, your room had always been clean and tidy, but now, its a mess and several soju bottles were the floor. I thought you had quitted drinking… From the bed, I could still spot the photograph we took together in Hawaii, without the other members, on your dressing table.
I urged myself not to cry again as my vision began to blur once more. You are probably shocked at how easily I cry now, since I had always been the strong one between both of us. But you didn’t even cry just now… You must’ve moved on. I lied back down on the bed, closing eyes and wanting to just disappear.
I need to leave tomorrow… I need to be gone for good from your life, and with that thought, sleep consumed me.
When I walked out of the bathroom, I find you peacefully sleeping on my bed. I let out a sad smile.
My smile was wiped off my face when I remembered seeing you on the bridge. Tears welled up in my eyes again.
You looked so lost, unlike the Jiwon-hyung that I’ve always known for the past 20 years. I know that you never meant to hurt me, and I know that you were confused of what to do, but you didn’t have to take it out on yourself.
You’re not the one at fault. I loved you even when I was aware of the consequences that you may never love me back. I just thought I would be able to move on, and I figured you would too… Guess I was wrong.
I let out an exasperated sigh as I began to lie down beside you on the bed.
“You really had me worried, hyung,” I let out a sad smile.
I was so worried about you, and was pretty devastated when I saw the state you were in. You must’ve been filled with regret ever since that day, right, hyung? I didn’t think you would do this to yourself.
It’s been rough on you, hasn’t it?
I lightly kissed your forehead, and brushed your soft midnight hair. You sighed, and snuggled closer to me. I could feel my smile widen at your action. Only I could see this weak side of you, because you had always been the strong Eun-leader in front of everyone.
I miss this, snuggling closer, laying my head on your chest and wrapping my arms around your cold body to share my body heat.
“You could be such a fool at times, hyung. I’ve already forgiven you,” I muttered under my breath.
You probably haven’t realized that I could read you like a book. I mean, how else could I put up with you if it weren’t for the fact that I understand you? You also haven’t realized that my love for you were still this strong. It was this strong ever since I met you in Hawaii, you know? I’m happy to know that you still love me, even though you were confused, you still love me. You were finally able to confess what you’re really feeling inside.
“You know I’ll never let you go, Eun Jiwon,“ I stated to your sleeping form before the darkness consumed me as well.
I didn’t for 20 years, why would I now, Jiwon-ah?
When I began to wake up, feeling surprisingly warm, I opened my eyes to find your peaceful sleeping face on my chest. I flinched at the closeness, but I couldn’t move away for I found your thin arms secured around me.
How am I supposed to leave if I can’t get out?
I try to struggle free, but that eventually woke you up. I immediately froze when I made contact with your eyes. I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t bring myself to do so. Your eyes were still as captivating and bright as I remembered them to be.
“What do you think you’re doing hyung?” You asked sleepily, rubbing your eyes with one of your hands. I missed this cute side of you that I see every time we woke up together.
I gulped, and answered honestly though hesitantly.
“I-I was planning on leaving. I think I overstayed my welcome, Hoon-ah. You’re not required to do this for me anymore.”
However, those words just made you tighten your grip around me again, forcing my body close to yours.
“I’m not letting you go anymore hyung! Since you finally confessed to me how you feel,” you said, with your trademark smirk making an appearance on your face.
I looked at him with a flabbergasted look for I completely thought that you were still mad at me, and that you aren’t going to forgive me. As though reading my thoughts, you said:
“I’ve forgiven you long ago. Moments after I left your apartment,” you let out a deep sigh before continuing. “I just thought that we both needed some time off to ourselves and think about our feelings towards each other. And clearly, that’s not what happened, hyung.“
“I didn’t think that you would torment yourself, and even go far as trying to kill yourself by freezing to death outside. Honestly, you scared the shit out of me! Haven’t you realized that my love for you hasn’t changed a bit, hyung? I’ve loved you for so many years. Why would it stop now, Jiwon-ah? And I wasn’t expecting you to do anything. I just wanted you to enjoy life and just be yourself, and all I want is for you to accept me and my love for you. And I’ll accept anything you give and show me because you are the Eun Jiwon I fell in love with in the first place,” your voice broke at the last sentence, and I could see the tears that threatened to flow from your pretty eyes.
At that point, I couldn’t help but tear up at your confession. I was so lucky to be loved by you and I took it for granted all these years. I don’t deserve such love. As though reading my mind again, you looked at me with a serious expression.
“Don’t tell yourself that you don’t deserve this, hyung. It really hurts me when you do that. You’ll always deserve me,“ you frowned.
I leaned in to place a kiss on your forehead, shocking you while doing so. I really find myself a really lucky guy to be able to have you. You’re so understanding, sacrificing and patient that it made me want to cry so bad for ever hurting you emotionally. I managed to calm myself and finally gathered the courage to say the words I’ve been meaning to say for a long time.
“I love you, Sunghoon-ah,“ I swear my face turned bright red, but it felt refreshing to have finally said it.
I saw you blink at me with a disbelief expression to my confession, and the tears that were threatening to flow from your beautiful eyes before are now flowing freely. My heart breaks to see you cry, and I never wanted to be the reason for your tears again. I pulled you up to have our lips meet in a passionate kiss, getting deeper by the moment as we lose ourselves in our own world. After moments, we broke apart for air.
“You finally said it, hyung… I waited, for so many years,” you said, still choking for air from your sobs and the kiss.
I smiled as well. It has been so long since I’ve really smiled the smile that is reserved for you. I’ve really missed you so much.
“I’ve really missed you. I missed you so much,” I said, snuggling closer to you.
“Wow, you’re so open now, hyung. That’s a good progress.”
“I’m finding the courage to say these things to you today,” I mumbled.
I heard you hummed.
“So it’s only today huh? Oh well, it’s better than never.”
I smiled, for it felt as if a heavy weight has been taken off of me.
“I… I really love you, Hoon-ah. I’ll say this everyday forever if you want me to.“
You laughed softly again.
“I know. I’ve always known,” you whispered softly, caressing my hair soothingly.
“I really love you too, Eun Jiwon.”