What We Are by: indiiea

untitled by indiiea.jpg

WARNING: contains mature content

Chapter 1
Sunghoon hadn’t spoken to him during the entire car ride. In fact, he hadn’t said a word to anyone.

When Jiwon tried to meet his eyes it proved impossible since Sunghoon pointedly turned to look out the car window.

Moreover, Jiwon couldn’t even be mad about it because he knew that it was his own damn fault. When the TV production crew first proposed the prank he had minor reservations, but those were quickly dispelled. Then they set the prank in motion, Jiwon now convinced it would be fun.

And it would be a lie to say that it hadn’t been. Even if he felt the guilt tug at him now seeing how Sunghoon was acting.

On the contrary, there was also another part of him that felt another thing… pleased. Pleased was the only way to describe it – it was shameful that he actually felt that way about his friend’s pain. Jiwon couldn’t have predicted how strong Sunghoon’s reaction would be. But there it was: proof that Sunghoon cared that much for Jiwon. He didn’t know what he’d do if anything ever happened to Sunghoon and now he knew it was mutual.

In the end he had been swept up in the emotions himself, as he thought about his fingers being wet when he’d wiped his eyes after the prank. Clear in his mind was the feel of how his body pressed against Sunghoon’s when he held Sunghoon in his arms after he’d revealed himself alive. He remembered the way Sunghoon’s hands had roamed over his torso in panic and how it felt holding Sunghoon’s hands to make him stop.

Jiwon looked out the car window as the car ride continued on quietly.

He was the first to be dropped off at his house. When he was about to climb out of the van, he came to a sudden stop when something grabbed his sleeve. Turning around, he was surprised to see Sunghoon, who was looking up at him with his big, pretty eyes.

Sunghoon was quiet for a moment before mumbling: “Hyung, I’d like to stay with you tonight.”

Huh? His heart did a flip-flop.

“It’s because I thought you were going to die!” Sunghoon said, nervously biting his lip.

Another pang of guilt. Ah, that was why. Was he that upset?

Their manager was already looking annoyed and was motioning for them to get on with it.

“Aish, just come with me,” said Jiwon and took Sunghoon’s hand in order to make him follow.

They climbed out of the van and said bye to the others together. Sunghoon was still clinging to Jiwon’s hand when they walked to the door. Jiwon supposed that Sunghoon was still shaken and that was why he was holding his hand so hard and staring at him in wonder as if he was surprised Jiwon was actually there.

It was late when they entered Jiwon’s house and everybody was already sleeping. This happened most nights because of their busy schedule. There was not a lot of time to see his family in the evenings. Especially now, when they were starting to taste more success as a group.

Because of everyone sleeping, they sneaked to Jiwon’s room as quietly as possible. This was not the first time they had sleepovers, but this time he had no other bed prepared. In this case he figured they’d share his. It wouldn’t be the first time – they’d ended up sleeping in the same bed a few times while they lived in Hawaii.

Once they were in his room Jiwon took off his T-shirt. It was disgusting after the long day and he was finally free.

He stretched his arms and back a few times, feeling tired at the end of the day. Then he sat down on his bed to take off his socks.

“Sunghoon, earlier–” Jiwon said, before he noticed that Sunghoon had moved in front of him. Jiwon looked up at him in the dim light of the room.

Sunghoon threw his arms around Jiwon and hugged him hard. Even though Jiwon had almost gasped with surprise, he still moved his legs further apart so Sunghoon had better access to hug him. When Sunghoon continued to cling to him Jiwon decided to hug him back.

He placed his arms around his friend, feeling the bones of Sunghoon thin back through the tank top he was wearing. Sitting there with his head resting on Sunghoon’s shoulder and hands on his back was odd, but he couldn’t deny how nice it felt. He didn’t want to pull away.

Sunghoon was whispering against Jiwon’s neck now: “I’m so, so glad you’re okay… I don’t know what I would have done otherwise…”

When he talked, Jiwon could feel Sunghoon’s lips moving against his neck, sending shivers down it. The entire experience – the hug, the whispering, Sunghoon’s words – made Jiwon feel warm all over. He felt Sunghoon’s arms resting against his bare back.

Sunghoon pulled away and looked down on Jiwon with a serious expression, his hands now at Jiwon’s shoulders.

Jiwon let his hands fall down from Sunghoon’s back to rest at the curve of his waist.

Next, Sunghoon began playing with the hair at the back of his neck with one of his hands. The last person to do so was Jiwon’s old girlfriend. In contrast to her, Sunghoon’s fingers were bigger, yet his touch was a lot more careful.

It was intimate, the gesture making him flash back to other memories and causing his heartbeat to pick up.

Sunghoon’s gaze was intense, his expression unreadable. “I was really worried today. I don’t ever want you to do anything like that ever again,” he said.

And he should focus on what Sunghoon was saying – offer him an apology – talk to him, but it was tough because the situation at hand had begun to dawn on Jiwon, how… strange it was.

Sunghoon continued touching Jiwon’s neck and playing with his hair as he talked. Did he even know how that affected Jiwon, or was it a caring gesture brought on by the day’s events? Was he even aware of what his hands were doing or was he entirely focused on talking?

And he was still standing between Jiwon’s legs, way too close since the hug. His legs were warm where they touched Jiwon’s inner thighs, causing pleasant sensations to move up his legs.

Fuck. Jiwon swallowed.

There was a tightness in his pants and his mind was blank. Under these circumstances he didn’t know where to look.

Sunghoon seemed entirely ignorant if Jiwon’s plight as he said: “Promise me you won’t die.”

Fuck, fucking hell–

Sunghoon’s waist was slim under his hands, a perfect fit for his hands. How come he had never realized it before?

His mind was going wild, different pictures floating around in his mind.

It made him harder. What should he do? He couldn’t say anything when he felt like this, it was like the words were stuck in his throat. He should pull away – this wasn’t a normal reaction – but it was as if his brain had short-circuited.

When he didn’t respond, Sunghoon’s hand was under Jiwon’s jaw, pushing slightly to make him look up.



The sound that came out of his mouth was high-pitched and breathy. Jiwon was horrified, feeling a deep embarrassment unlike anything he’d ever felt before. His cheeks felt like they were burning and he averted his gaze, looking anywhere but Sunghoon.

His initial reaction was to move away while his mind searched for a way to excuse this, but as Jiwon was about to do so he looked up at Sunghoon one last time to say sorry.

Sunghoon was staring at him with wide eyes, his pink lips open. Finally, he must have realized what was happening.

At first Sunghoon just looked at him, face betraying no other emotion. What was more, he didn’t look horrified, shocked nor did he jump away. His gaze was pinning Jiwon to his place on the bed and then he felt how Sunghoon, whose hand was still at cupping his jaw, moved his thumb to rest on Jiwon’s lower lip.

So Jiwon sat there as if frozen in place. His heart was pounding loudly in his ears, anticipation heightened with every single beat that passed. Then he felt it, Sunghoon’s thumb brushing against his lower lip. He moved it slowly, as if trying out Jiwon’s reaction.

Jiwon didn’t say a word.

Sunghoon’s thumb was rough against his lip that was now tingling. Jiwon let out a soft breath that left his mouth slightly open. His head was slightly downturned as he looked up at Sunghoon through his eyelashes. Sunghoon wasn’t looking into his eyes anymore and seemed to be fixated on his lips now.

This was a different position than what Jiwon was used to, being the one made a move on.

Sunghoon was still as if debating an idea and after a short moment he moved his thumb up so it was resting at the opening of Jiwon’s mouth, almost inside. Now their gazes met. Jiwon couldn’t help the lust pulsating thorough his body.

Later he would have thought it was as if madness overtook him. There was an idea in his own mind and as if reason had left him he acted on it immediately. He licked Sunghoon’s thumb once experimentally.

Sunghoon wasn’t pulling away and Jiwon made no attempt to do so either. In fact, he felt a thrill of excitement through his veins.

Jiwon licked again, tongue trailing down Sunghoon’s hand. He could taste salt on his tongue. That’s when Sunghoon took control and started to move his hand. Still holding eye contact, Jiwon caught his index finger between his lips. He closed his eyes and continued the act, lost in it. It was at that point he heard Sunghoon’s breath hitch in his throat. He liked that sound and at the back of his mind was the thought that yes, he could make him do it again.

But then, suddenly the finger was gone. Jiwon felt a trail of saliva go down his chin as Sunghoon pulled his hand back.

Jiwon blinked his eyes open.

Above him, Sunghoon stared down at him with hooded eyes. Jiwon saw a peek of pink as Sunghoon’s tongue darted out, licking his own finger.

He swore softly under his breath, feeling warm, hot, the want in him overpowering.

Sunghoon leaned down and all Jiwon saw was his dark eyes looking intently at him, gaze burning. Jiwon’s eyes flickered down to Sunghoon’s lips and he saw him lick his lip. He stayed in place as Sunghoon leaned in. It was enough confirmation that he wanted this.

Their first kiss was over in a seconds and Sunghoon was back for the second the moment after.

Jiwon lost count after that.

And to Jiwon’s surprise, Sunghoon was good at kissing. It wasn’t like he’d thought about it before. He felt Sunghoon licking along his lower lip and soon they were exchanging openmouthed kisses.

Then Sunghoon’s hands were on his shoulders, pushing him back while they kissed until he lay on his back on his bed. After that Sunghoon climbed on top of him, knees on both sides beside his hips. Sunghoon ran a hand from Jiwon’s neck down to his naked chest, touch feather light as they continued kissing.

Since his pants were uncomfortably tight Jiwon’s hips began to move, but he met nothing but air which intensified his need for contact. He let his hand slide lower from Sunghoon’s waist down to his hips, pressing down harder and willing to make him sit down. If only Sunghoon would get that…

Jiwon gasped against Sunghoon’s mouth when they made contact. It felt too good to finally have the friction he needed and he moved his hips faster, harder. It was impossible to even focus on kissing anymore so he just held on to Sunghoon’s waist to keep him in place as they moved together.

Sunghoon had now moved his head so it was against Jiwon’s shoulder. Jiwon could feel him panting against his neck, breath warm. It was hard to hold back now, he needed more. Even if he was almost annoyed at the cloth separating them, it added extra friction as Jiwon felt the familiar pressure building up in his stomach.

Their movements became frantic, the rhythm off. Sunghoon thrusted against him a last time, letting a single moan fall from his lips when his movements slowed, seemingly riding out the waves of pleasure he felt.

It was that noise that pushed Jiwon over the edge.

Sunghoon lay flat against him now with his head still buried in the crook of Jiwon’s neck, his breaths small puffs of air against his neck. Jiwon lay back, looking up at the ceiling and letting his hands fall from where they’d gripped at Sunghoon’s waist so they lay flat on the mattress. With the fading pleasure came the tiredness, feeling spent. It didn’t help that it had already been a long day.

Time passed in silence, only their calming breaths were heard. A minute, two, three went by as they came back to themselves.

The quietness was unbearable and Jiwon was almost about to say something, when he noticed how different Sunghoon’s breathing had become. He had fallen asleep.

Jiwon laid an arm over his head and closed his eyes. It hit him like a brick – what the fuck had they just done? For the first time he felt fear and uncertainty creep into his heart. The thoughts plagued him long into the night, all while he was very aware of the sleeping presence on top of him.

Chapter 2

It was warm in bed the next morning and Jiwon was still half-asleep, caught up in vague dreams… Bright colors and images played in front of his eyes and fuzzy thoughts drifted through his mind as he slowly became aware of the awake world once more.

The first thing he noticed was how nasty he felt. It all came back to him – yesterday’s events… Sunghoon. A feeling of wrongness overcame him. He hadn’t cleaned up yesterday before falling asleep. Yesterday…

It was vivid in his mind.

Sunghoon’s finger in his mouth, making out, Sunghoon on top of him…

Ignoring the rush of excitement that went straight to his crotch at the thought of what had happened, Jiwon looked around but the bed was empty. With no Sunghoon next to him, he sat up with a sinking feeling in his heart.

He climbed out of his bed and grabbed the first clean clothes he saw. Once he was outside his room he heard chipper morning conversation coming from the kitchen – it was Sunghoon and his parents. He felt a little lighter at that, at least Sunghoon was still here.

Thinking about facing Sunghoon after what had happened last night caused a nervous flutter in his stomach, which was unlike anything he usually associated with Sunghoon. It was also very unlike Jiwon to even think about things like these.

But then, something like this had never happened before. He didn’t have his thoughts in order and dragged his hand through his hair in annoyance. What would he even say to him?

Jiwon went to take a shower, an extra cold one.

Later when he entered the kitchen he was clean and fresh with every trace of last night gone. His mother’s cheerful greeting welcomed him.

“I prepared something special today,” she said and pointed to the table where she had lined up an impressive amount of side dishes. “You have to eat well when you’re this busy. You look so thin these days!”

Jiwon hated to see her worry, it always made him feel guilty. “I eat fine.”

”Do they even feed you,” she grumbled, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

In this case Jiwon had to admit it was true sometimes. Sometimes they’d be so busy they had no time to eat, sometimes their managers wouldn’t even buy food. Stomach rumbling with hunger, he looked at the table. Sunghoon sat there, already dressed for the day.

Sunghoon greeted him as usual, but his smile was not quite as bright as normal. A second later he looked down at his plate as he continued to speak, “Hyung, we got to hurry up, they’re picking us up at 7:30…”

Jiwon sat down opposite Sunghoon and grabbed his chopsticks. With a shake of his head and a mouthful of food, Jiwon tried hard not to think of last night. It was equally difficult to meet Sunghoon’s eyes… Things that happened last night seemed very far away in the morning light of his kitchen.


Even when they’d left his parents’ house and were away from their prying eyes and ears, Sunghoon didn’t mention what had happened.

But it would be a lie to say Sunghoon didn’t act differently. He was standing further away from Jiwon than he usually did.

Even though he was talking quick and cheerfully, the words felt almost forced as if it was a way to fill the silence between them.

Jiwon understood his feelings. On his end, he had caught himself spending a lot of time studying Sunghoon. When he thought back to that night, it was all a bit hazy, fuzzy around the edges. It might as well have been a dream if there wasn’t physical proof of it, or them acting the way they did.

And the images kept playing in his mind, making him hot and bothered. He kept thinking back to them, they kept changing and evolving. Simply, he wanted more. Maybe he should have been horrified over the way his heart speed up with excitement thinking about it, overtaken by a new strange sense of curiosity. How could he even be looking forward to doing that again?

He knew it should have bothered him more that it was the first time he ever did anything with a guy, but he was more hung up on the fact that it was Sunghoon.

They had been friends for years. Living together, going to school together and chasing their dreams together. It was obvious to him they would be together for a long time and their friendship had always been special to Jiwon.

Now, every time Jiwon looked at Sunghoon he did seem to avoid Jiwon’s gaze. One time Jiwon accidentally tripped into Sunghoon and Sunghoon just looked away. Jiwon was starting to feel desperate and people around them began to notice they were not like they used to be. After a week Jiyong asked: “Sunghoon is still angry?” and encouraged Jiwon to go apologize for it.

That would be easy if it was the prank that made Sunghoon act that way towards him, not what happened afterwards. There seemed to be no escape and everything seemed to remind him of it.

Worst was that one incident with a certain fan, it was something he wouldn’t forget. It was a late night and he was about to enter his house. He almost choked in embarrassment when the fan came up to him and smiled sweetly. “Wah, oppa, Hoonoppa loves you so much!” she had exclaimed.

Jiwon just stared at her.

The girl was jumping in excitement as she talked. “I saw Star Candid Camera. It was so mean, but it was so cute! He cares so much for you. I’m jealous!”

It was all he could think of that evening. They cared a lot for each other as friends, he already knew that. What did he even want Sunghoon to feel? He didn’t seem to feel much… love… towards Jiwon after that night. Sunghoon seemed more regretful. What was between them now? Was there an attraction between them all along and they had just not realized it until it was acted on? Or was this something new?

As time went by, it felt weirder to drag it up when they were caught up in schedules. They sang, danced, filmed and traveled all day and half the night.

Anyone who knew them would have seen that things weren’t the same. It wasn’t only Jiyong that had asked him to reconcile with Sunghoon. While they didn’t have the same thing in mind about what they would need to make up over, everybody knew things had to be resolved. Even Jiwon wanted that. He missed Sunghoon and their friendship.

So, one evening while they were being driven home from their schedules, he said, “Stop the car.”

They were still in the middle of the busy city.

“Me and Sunghoon are going off here,” he told their manager.

Sunghoon looked at him with those big, pretty eyes. “Hyung, what are we doing?” he asked with surprise.

After a few warnings from their manager, he dropped them off. As Jiwon climbed out of the van, he saw Jiyong give him a thumbs up.

The two of them began wandering the streets, Sunghoon trailing after Jiwon. They were both wearing casual clothes and blended into the large amount of people walking around. Jiwon looked at the shops and billboards’ bright lights. When he laid eyes on a street food vendor he felt his mouth water as he got a whiff of the delicious aroma coming from it.

“Hungry?” he asked. “I’ll pay.”

Seeing Sunghoon’s eyes lit up in a way they hadn’t in a while made Jiwon smile.


They were now walking along the river, almost finished eating their food. The night breeze was cold and light from the buildings were reflected on the river. It was a nice sight.

It was easier to put off what he was going to say by walking around longer but he was keeping an eye out for a good place to talk with less people around. There was no point in dragging it out any longer or they were going to freeze to death before they got to talk.

He found the perfect place when they reached the bridge. Under the bridge, it was shadowed and gave a little shelter from the cold night breeze that caused their breaths to make small clouds in the air. The stone of the bridge was rough when Jiwon leaned against it, nervously clenching his hands. The words he had planned on saying seemed stuck in his throat.

Next to him, Sunghoon was leaning against the stone too and Jiwon could feel his curious gaze burning into him.

Jiwon had to do something with his hands and took up the packet from his pocket. There was only one cigarette left. He lit it and inhaled deeply, but the smoke filling his lungs did not calm his nerves like it usually did. Studying the cigarette to have something to do, the orange glow of the tip stood out in the dark night. He finally looked at Sunghoon, who was looking at him in silence.

“Do you want to share?” said Jiwon.

Sunghoon nodded, a small smile on his lips.

Jiwon smiled back before he took another drag and handed it to Sunghoon, their fingers brushing slightly during the exchange. Jiwon looked at the way Sunghoon’s mouth pursed around the cigarette and the curve of Sunghoon’s throat as he turned his head up to exhale the smoke.

Sharing it felt more meaningful than the other times they had done so before.

Jiwon took it back to his mouth and took one last drag before he threw away the butt. Straightening his back, he tried ignoring the nervous flutter in his stomach. There were no more excuses to prolong this. It is okay, you can fucking do this, he cheered himself on.

About to open his mouth, Jiwon noticed the way Sunghoon had been looking at him had changed. The change was impossible not to notice, not when Jiwon knew Sunghoon so well. Especially since it was very different to how Sunghoon had looked at him during the last few weeks. It was now reminiscent of the way he had done that fateful night.

The way Jiwon wanted Sunghoon to look at him.

Sunghoon placed his hand on Jiwon’s shoulder, before slowly dragging his hand down Jiwon’s arm. His heartbeat had picked up. You ignore me for weeks and now this?

“It’s cold here”, said Sunghoon. He was only wearing a thin jacket over his T-shirt.

Sunghoon let his hand slide from Jiwon’s arm down to the edge of Jiwon’s jacket before he slipped his hand under the jacket, dragging his hand down over Jiwon’s hip. Jiwon’s mind was fully back to that night now and he felt shivers down his spine. Do that again, I’ve wanted this. Sunghoon’s hand was cold through the thin material of Jiwon’s shirt.

Sunghoon snuck his arms around Jiwon’s back. Jiwon responded by moving closer to Sunghoon and wrapping his arms around him. There they stood, pressed against each other head to toe, the entire length of them against each other.

Sunghoon’s head was resting on Jiwon’s shoulder.

Time passed as they stood there a while, the warmth of one heating the other up.

“Better now?” whispered Jiwon in Sunghoon’s ear.

Sunghoon murmured against his neck, “Yes.”

It was easier for Jiwon to talk in this position, maybe because the way Sunghoon hugged him gave him hope. Jiwon was looking out in the distance as he began to talk, though the words still stumbled awkwardly out of his mouth when he said, “I’ve missed you. I’ve been thinking these last weeks. Our friendship, I want it back to like it has always been. Let’s forget what happened if that’s what it takes, but—“

“Wait.” Sunghoon suddenly pulled away, leaving behind cold in the space he’d occupied. “I’ve been thinking these last weeks too.”

Jiwon looked down at him, surprised at his vehement reaction.

“What if I don’t want to forget? I want our friendship back too, but”—Sunghoon was fidgeting with his sleeves, looking down —“I don’t mind if you want to do that again.” Sunghoon looked back up at Jiwon, biting his lip with an expectant expression on his face.

Jiwon’s heart raced, because that was very close what he was planning to say.

“We’re both busy, we’re not meeting anybody… we can have fun!”

Sunghoon didn’t have to try to sell the deal — Jiwon would have agreed even before he said anything more. Jiwon tried ignoring the pang of disappointment — it wasn’t maybe the ideal way to have Sunghoon, not fully what he had planned on suggesting, but it was one way — and had to control his voice in order not to seem too excited in his agreement.

He felt the heat spread into his cheeks when Sunghoon sealed the deal with a kiss.


Later that night, when they were in a taxi on their way home, Jiwon felt Sunghoon leaning in.

“Can I stay at your place?” he asked, with a big smile on his lips.

“My parents aren’t home.” Jiwon grinned back and hid his smile behind his hand in order to not seem like an overeager idiot.

And so it began.

Chapter 3

The door to Jiwon’s bedroom slammed shut behind him. Finally. The rest of the car ride and the walk to his room had all been endless torture, drawn out with anticipation for this moment.

Now there were hands in his hair, lips against his own. Nibbling, licking at his lower lip, coaxing his mouth open. Jiwon’s blood was drumming through his body, his every nerve on fire. Jiwon’s hands roamed over Sunghoon’s waist, up to his back and pressing him closer.

He stopped kissing Sunghoon for a moment to catch his breath. Moving his hands to Sunghoon’s shoulders, he pushed Sunghoon’s jacket off and it fell in a heap to the floor. He stared for a moment as Sunghoon’s toned arms were revealed, but then Sunghoon’s was back to kissing him again until Jiwon’s knees felt weak.

Jiwon pushed Sunghoon back, moving them towards Jiwon’s bed – they couldn’t be standing around like this any longer. He wanted, needed more and now they were falling down on the bed.

Jiwon broke away from their kissing, hovering above Sunghoon. He looked down at Sunghoon who lay on his back at Jiwon’s bed. Sunghoon looked shy with his hair falling away to reveal his slightly red face. They were both breathing hard after kissing. His T-shirt had ridden up and Jiwon could see a hint of the curve of his stomach and his sweatpants hanging low on his hips.

That first time, they had not planned it at all. It had been quick, Jiwon’s mind clouded with lust. Unlike then it was now deliberate, decided on the moment Sunghoon leaned over to him in the taxi and invited himself.

After that first time he had imagined things. Now he had the opportunity to make it real, though that meant he had to put more thought behind his actions. Jiwon let his hand hover over Sunghoon’s abdomen, close enough to feel the heat from his skin but not yet touching. “Is this okay?”

He got a small nod in response and moved his hand to the hem of Sunghoon’s shirt. Letting his fingers slip under, he began pushing the shirt up and stared fixatedly as skin was revealed centimeter by centimeter. Jiwon’s throat felt dry and he swallowed. He splayed his hand wide, sliding it up Sunghoon’s torso. It was impossible to not notice the contrast in skin tone between his hand and Sunghoon’s paler stomach. Jiwon pushed the shirt all the way up until it was bunched under Sunghoon’s chin, then let his hand rest on Sunghoon’s chest. He admired the sight in front of him.

Sunghoon looked into his eyes, questioning look on his face. Jiwon felt how fast Sunghoon’s heart was beating under his hand, his own heart doing the same.

Jiwon’s hand trembled as he dragged his palm over Sunghoon’s chest. It was awkward. He felt a little unsure – it wasn’t like there was something to really grab onto. The sensation under his hand was not soft but firm… he enjoyed it, a different experience but not in a bad way.

He brushed a hand over Sunghoon’s nipple, causing it to harden. He caressed the tip with his fingers and tried flicking it. Sunghoon made a soft sound and Jiwon looked up and saw him biting his lip. He must be sensitive. Sunghoon seemed to enjoy it like this and that was enough for him to continue.

Jiwon licked Sunghoon’s chest, leaving a glistening trail and dragged his tongue over the hard nub of his nipple. He did it again while moving his hand down Sunghoon’s torso, exploring with his hand. Moving his hand in circles around Sunghoon’s navel, he committed every ridge and curve to his memory while feeling the muscles under his hand. Every sound emitting from Sunghoon’s mouth because of Jiwon’s actions was intoxicating.

Sunghoon’s hand was at the back of his neck, in his hair. Jiwon loved the feeling of that. Deciding to try something different, he captured Sunghoon nipple between his teeth and bit down gently.

Sunghoon made a whining noise at that, and he grabbed harder at Jiwon’s hair. It all made him feel even more turned on, if it was even possible. He closed his eyes as he focused on continuing what he’d been doing and began moving his hand even further down, when–

His arm bumped into Sunghoon’s, almost waking him from the moment he’d been so caught up in. He looked down to see what had happened when he noticed it.

Sunghoon palmed himself through his pants, moving against his own hand. Jiwon stared for a moment, openmouthed. His instinctive reaction was to reach down to place his hand on Sunghoon’s wrist to stop him. Sunghoon gasped. Jiwon looked up and their eyes met. Sunghoon’s eyes were glossy and he was panting, his cheeks flaming red. He was still moving his hips in miniscule motions against his own hand that Jiwon was now holding in place.

“Let me do that,” Jiwon asked, voice breathless.

Sunghoon’s hand slackened in his grip and he pulled away to await what Jiwon would do.

Jiwon moved his hand to Sunghoon’s lower stomach, dragging his hand downwards over the hairs there and down to the edge of Sunghoon’s sweatpants. It couldn’t that different from touching himself? He felt a little nervous – it was the first time he was doing this, touching another guy. That last time, they had just grinded together. Now, they were really doing this.

He pulled down Sunghoon’s sweatpants with Sunghoon’s help, until they were down around his tights. It was only his boxers left, the material straining tight. Jiwon reached forwards a tentative finger, tracing it against the outline. He felt Sunghoon’s twitch beneath him. Hooking a finger around the waistband of Sunghoon’s boxers, he pulled them down and freed him.

While Jiwon had seen Sunghoon naked before, he had never seen him like this – hard, sweaty and flushed beneath him. He took him in his hand and gave a tentative stroke.

It was too much to look, so Jiwon leaned in to kiss Sunghoon, his free hand roaming over Sunghoon’s torso. He pressed kisses to Sunghoon’s jaw, down his neck. With his other hand, he kept stroking and dragged his thumb over the slit. Sunghoon was loud, way louder than the first time they did this. Jiwon had never been this grateful that they were alone.

Jiwon closed his eyes and focused on the feeling and sounds, continuing with his actions that made Sunghoon arch his back under him. Sunghoon’s breaths were getting more ragged. Jiwon had been kissing Sunghoon’s neck and he went down to lick at his nipples like he had done earlier until Sunghoon came in his hand.

After that, Jiwon pulled his hand away and just stared at Sunghoon, who just lay there starry-eyed and breathing hard, looking up at the ceiling. He couldn’t help the sense of pride he felt in his chest at making his friend feel and look like that.

Jiwon looked down at the sticky substance on his hand and reached out for some tissues beside his bed. He took them and sat back down on his bed, his back resting against the wall. Cleaning his hand, Jiwon then handed over tissues to Sunghoon who still looked a bit out of it even though he still grabbed them.

Jiwon was already painfully hard from earlier and honestly, he didn’t need much. It didn’t take long to open his belt and unzip his pants and then get them and his underwear off. He was about to help himself, do anything to relieve that pressure when he saw Sunghoon sitting up. Already having dragged up his sweatpants again, he began to crawl over to Jiwon with an intense look on his face. He was closer now, kneeling beside Jiwon and reaching out to place a hand on Jiwon’s inner thigh, hot where his hand touched.

He said, “It’s my turn now.”

Jiwon felt almost embarrassed at his words. He didn’t know why he felt like that, after all they had done earlier while at the same time his heart jumped with excitement.

Sunghoon dragged his hand upwards, brushing over Jiwon’s bulge causing him to move, but Sunghoon put a hand on his hip to tell him to keep still and then he finally felt Sunghoon’s hand on him. Jiwon gasped in pleasure. Sunghoon’s other hand was massaging his inner thigh. It felt really good, even though Sunghoon’s hands on him felt a bit awkward, fumbling.

Sunghoon looked nervous, like he was contemplating something. The he leaned down.

A part of his mind didn’t believe it. It wasn’t what he imagined Sunghoon would do. Rather than seeing, he felt that first experimental lick.Fuck, he thought as he tilted his head back against the wall and bit back a moan. There was more tongue and Jiwon closed his eyes, feeling Sunghoon’s mouth hot around him. He had a hand on Sunghoon’s back, clenching his fingers into Sunghoon’s T-shirt and he raised his leg, toes curling.

How much longer could he handle this?

For the first time he looked down at Sunghoon between his legs, meeting his eyes and seeing his pink lips around himself. With the hand holding on the Sunghoon’s T-shirt he began to push him of, mumbling that he couldn’t last any longer.

Sunghoon had just moved away when Jiwon came with Sunghoon’s hand still on him.

It took him a moment to refocus after that. He looked at Sunghoon, who was sitting in front of him. While Sunghoon had pulled away, there was still a stain on his chin that he wiped away himself. At first he wasn’t looking at Jiwon, but looking down.

Was he embarrassed? He looked nervous.

Sunghoon then looked up at Jiwon trough his messy hair, his forehead a little bit sweaty. His mouth was open, his lips shiny, red and swollen.

It was quiet. What to say now?

Jiwon couldn’t stand the way Sunghoon kept looking at him, expression unreadable. He snuck his hand around Sunghoon’s waist and captured his mouth with his own, not caring about the taste, willing to do anything to fill the moment with something other than silence.

Just feeling and no thinking, just loosing himself in those kisses.


It was early next morning and Jiwon was walking through the house after had taken a shower. Sunghoon had gone before him, but now he couldn’t find him. Looking for Sunghoon, he entered the kitchen.

Sunghoon stood there, bathing in morning light and his hair shining gold while he was working at something by the counter, humming a song. Jiwon admired him. Sunghoon was wearing one of Jiwon’s T-shirts.

Jiwon walked over to him and drew close. “What are you doing?” He placed a hand at the small of Sunghoon’s back and he peeked over Sunghoon’s shoulder.

Sunghoon was making kimbap, just like they’d done in Hawaii. It was a bit messy, just as Jiwon remembered it.

Jiwon stole a piece – “Wait!” cried Sunghoon – and plopped it into his mouth. “Mm, it tastes the same.”

“I haven’t improved?” asked Sunghoon, pouting.

“No, it’s good like this. Takes me back,” said Jiwon.

Jiwon couldn’t help but notice the way Sunghoon stood straighter at Jiwon’s words, his face glowing like the sunshine lighting the kitchen. This in return made his heart swell with something unknown. He had never realized that praising someone could feel this good. He repeated it, “It’s really great.” He made a clapping motion with the hand that he had at Sunghoon’s lower back.

It made Sunghoon seem almost bashful.

The food was tasty and Jiwon took another piece. He was about to eat it too…

“You’re going to eat it all?” said Sunghoon, eyebrows raised but a joking tone to his voice.

Whoops. Jiwon moved the piece and dangled it in front of Sunghoon’s mouth. He stuck out his tongue to catch the food… Sunghoon ate it, and while chewing he started giggling, eyes like crescents.

Jiwon laughed back at him.


Their friendship was back and so much more. Jiwon couldn’t be happier and felt like he was flying when he was on stage, thanks to all the extra energy he felt. During interviews, he got a kick out of making Sunghoon laugh harder even if he had to be silly.

It didn’t even bother him how busy they were. In fact, that was when it began in earnest. The difference in their relationship was there.

Like when they had a fan sign. Jiwon sat along the table, letting his gaze wander down in as Sunghoon leaned forward, a smile on his face and a look in his eyes that Jiwon had only seen at night. A moment later Jiwon looked away, too flustered to do this right now and focused at the fan in front of him.

Or when they were in a van on the way home and Sunghoon rested his head against Jiwon’s shoulder. Were the manager to look at Sunghoon he would assume he had been sleeping, but Jiwon could feel Sunghoon’s hand on his thigh, tracing shapes against it.

Sunghoon would stay over at Jiwon’s house after performances, or the other way around. They were sleepovers, but with a lot less sleep. While Jiwon was tired from performing, he was willing to sacrifice sleep to hang out with Sunghoon.

There were other times Sunghoon would come close, touch Jiwon in subtle ways that would drive him crazy and Jiwon would just go along with it. Sunghoon would give him a look and they meet up in tiny closets or dressing rooms, their hands traveling over each other’s body exploring. Those times were quick.

They didn’t talk much about what happened between them and just acted – it was almost like separate versions of themselves. Their friendship and the other things that went on between them was almost like two separate parts of their lives.

Too bad that would never last.


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