- a EunKang short story
WARNING: contains mature content
I stared at myself in the mirror. My feelings were all mixed up….
I ran my fingers through my hair — or what was left of it, at least. I cut it recently…. just for a change. It was getting hot these days, and I liked the feeling of the wind against my scalp.
I glanced over to where he was sitting. He sat quietly in a chair nearby, staring at the floor. I wondered what was going through his mind at that moment….
I knew what I was thinking…
I was thinking about how much I loved him.
I loved him so much.
The other members knew how much I cared for him, but they had no idea how much I actually loved him.
Most of our fans even knew we were very close. Several times they would ask me,
“Oppa, do you really like Sunghoon?”
And I gave them an honest answer.
“Of course. I love him….”
But I think they never really took me seriously. They thought I was just joking around.
And I knew he loved me too. I still remember clearly our first time together.
It was after we had pulled a prank on him for a tv show. We made him think I had gotten really hurt.
He cried so much……
I was so surprised by his reaction — but also so pleased.
He cared that much for me.
Later after we were done with the show, our manager drove each of us home. I was the first to be dropped off. As I was getting out of the car, I turned to say bye to everyone, but he suddenly got out with me.
“You’re not going home?” I asked him.
“I want to stay with you,” he said quietly.
Our manager nodded, understanding. Even though it had all been a joke, he felt like he had almost lost me that day, and he was feeling a little vulnerable right now. He looked at me, his eyes watering a little.
We waved to the other members as they drove off and we were left alone.
“Are you hungry?” I asked him as we walked into my house. My parents were still up.
He shook his head.
We greeted my parents — they treated him like he was their own son. We quietly went up the stairs to my room.
“Hehe, you’re not mad about what happened today right?” I asked grinning.
“I should be….but I’m not,” was his simple reply.
We were both quiet for a minute.
“Well, we better get to bed, we have to practice early tomorrow,” I said, breaking the silence.
He nodded, taking off his jacket and then his flannel. He only wore a white tank top with his pants now, and got into my bed.
We actually were really used to just sharing a bed. We slept in the same bed while living in Hawaii too.
I pulled off my sweatshirt, shirtless now, turned off the lights, and got into bed too. I felt really tired suddenly.
I yawned and closed my eyes, preparing to sleep.
“I thought I was going to die today,” he whispered in the dark.
“Die?” I asked.
“Seeing you hurt today, even as a joke….. made me realize how precious life is,” he said softly. He then snuggled up against me, wrapping his arms around my body.
And then my heart was starting to race….
“I…. I can’t live without you,” he whispered hoarsely.
My breathing was uneven now.
“I need you…..” he whispered. I could feel his warm breath against my skin and then the next thing I knew, his soft lips were kissing my chest. His hair tickled my skin, sending goosebumps all over my body. He moved so that he was on top of me now.
It was too dark to see anything…… I could only feel him…..
He tilted his head as his smooth lips were on mine, and we kissed gently…. He slowly sucked on my lower lip, as if trying to have a taste of me…
An unidentifiable noise rose from my throat as we kissed again…. Our tongues touching, exploring each other. I loved the way he tasted. The feelings that were going through me were indescribable, but it’s just the way he felt against me, the way he was kissing me… I’ll never forget it….
He moved down, leaving a trail of kisses down my chest, and then his lips captured my right nipple, sucking it, gently biting it….. I couldn’t breathe….
Lying down with him on top of me made me desperate for air, so I pushed him off me, forcing him to lie down now.
I couldn’t control myself, nothing could stop me. I pulled at his pants, almost ripping them off him and shed the rest of my clothes.
Somehow, his hands then found his way to my errection. His hands carefully closed over me and gave a slight squeeze. The pressure was unbearable… I gasped out, as his fingers ran up and down my length, tickling me, teasing me….
I was sweating now, I knew he was too.. if there was light, I knew I would be able to see our bodies glistening with perspiration…
He panted unevenly as I nestled between his legs, and our bodies touched the most intimate way. He moved his body so that we rubbed against one another causing a wonderful friction….
Finally, I pulled his body slightly upwards so that he was tilted, and so that I could prepare to enter him.
“Jiwon…..” he cried out in a desperate whisper.
I closed my eyes as our bodies were joined…. It was uncomfortable at first because it was not natural, yet it gradually became better….
He was very tense, we both were actually…. To try to relax him, I leaned over and kissed him gently, but his lips remained tight…. I touched his cheek and found that they were wet, with tears….
Had I hurt him? My heart was pounding…. Then his hand was over mine, squeezing it… and I knew it was alright…
I kissed away his salty tears and in return, he shifted his body, putting pressure around our delicate bond…
He then placed his hands around my buttocks, pushing me more into him. My breath was ragged, I couldn’t say anything….
We moved into an irregular pattern at first for it was our first time, but then we moved together, letting our bodies rock together, faster and harder…. until we finally exploded….
I fell on top of him…. I’m sure my weight was crushing him, but he didn’t complain.
Instead, he hugged me tightly….and we fell asleep, both exhausted….
That was our first time. There have been other times of course, but I’ll always remember the first time the most….
Throughout the years, we, our group, ran into many problems… not with each other, rather with our company. So many little problems…. it was getting almost outrageous.
But one thing pushed all the problems to a new level.
We, me and him, were alone. In my car, actually, out of the city because too many fans actually followed us around. I parked the car and turned off the headlights. It was late at night and we were on the shoulder of a country road. The mood was very tense. All those little problems with our company was taking it’s toll on us.
“Jiwon…..I’m so sick of all this,” he said, his tone angry.
I sighed. “I know. But we’re just going to have to be patient… Things will get better,” I said quietly.
“How do you know?? What if things don’t get better??” he asked, his voice rising. It was very evident he was getting mad.
“I don’t know. I’m just hoping they will get better,” I replied calmly, trying to be optimistic.
“Screw that. I don’t want to deal with this shit anymore,” he practically yelled and banged his fist against the car door. I could see tears of frustration beginning to fall.
“Hey…..” I said gently and reached over to hold him.
He leaned against my shoulder, his tears falling freely now.
“It’s so unfair…..” he choked out. “We worked so hard for this, and this is what happens in return…..”
It pained me to see him cry. I wished so hard I could make his tears stop…..but what could I do? I would do anything for him…..
“I want to leave,” he said suddenly, moving away from me, wiping his tears.
I looked at him.
“Okay, we’ll go back,” I said, and started the engine.
“No….” he said shaking his head. “You don’t understand what I’m saying….”
“What are you saying then?” I asked.
“I want to leave…….. the group,” he said softly.
I stood there for a second, not believing the words that I was hearing.
I ignored it and grabbed my seatbelt and tried to buckle it. My hands couldn’t stop shaking though and this made it impossible for me to do the seatbelt.
He reached over and held my hand. I immediately pushed his hands off me and let go of the seatbelt, breathing hard.
“I’m going to leave, Jiwon….” he said calmly.
“That’s out of the question,” I said sharply.
“Is it? Who can stop me?” he asked.
“You’re going to leave just like that? What about the others? You don’t care about them???” I asked harshly.
“Of course I care about them…. but this…. this has all gone too far….” he responded in a far-away voice, looking out the window.
“What about……” I started to ask, but stopped myself.
“You…..” he finished for me.
I clenched my hands into tight fists. I was already feeling pain in my heart…. We belonged together… What would happen to me if we couldn’t be together anymore?
“Come with me,” he whispered, looking at me.
I slowly turned and stared into his beautiful eyes….
My coordi noona put the finishing touches of make-up on my face. She held a sad smile. I didn’t trust my voice to say anything to her, so I just nodded in thanks.
The others were all ready. Or they looked ready. I took a deep breath.
The door was opened and the six of us walked out.
The whirling sound of cameras taking pictures could be heard while a soft murmur went through the crowd.
The six of us stood there, bowed respectfully and sat down.
And then on that day, May 18, 2000, I announced the break-up of Sechskies…..