- a EunKang fanfic
WARNING: contains mature content
~ Prologue ~
Have you ever been in love, having that warm fuzzy sensation coursing through your body? It’s a wonderful feeling, so complete and whole. It’s amazing how just one person can make you feel so good. But then you begin to wonder, what would life be like without that person? Its terrifying, to lose your sole reason for breathing, laughing, crying and living.
Because the notion is so scary you shove it to the back of your mind, denying the possibilities. Until it rears its ugly head when you least suspect it. I am terrified right now because I lost him, to a girl.
I despised her for taking my Hoony away from me. I remembered the exact moment when he introduced her to me as his girlfriend as if it was a minute ago. I stood there, smiling like an idiot as if I was happy for him. Happy for him? He just shattered my heart into a million pieces and yet there I stood, smiling like a fool. I wanted to cry right then and there. Me, Eun Ji Won, crying! Who would ever believe that? But I didn’t cry for I didn’t want to make Hoony sad.
I only cried in front of him once. We were eight years old and this new kid named Jiyong had just moved next door to him. They became very good friends, a little too good if you asked me. I was jealous that Hoony was paying so much attention to that tall scrawny kid. So I tortured him. Every chance I got I pushed, punched, kicked, and pinched him.
He didn’t say a word. Even though he was taller than me, the kid was a wuss. But one day Hoony caught me in the act of imprinting my shoe marks on his shins. He got so mad that he pushed me. Can you believe that?! He pushed me because of him?!?! That hurt me more than the pain of my butt making contact with the concrete floor. I started crying.
That scared the shit out of him. Of all the years that we’ve known each other I’ve never cried in front of him. I was always the strong one, at least on the outside. He stood there all flustered not knowing how to comfort me. He kept apologizing. And repeatedly pleaded me to stop crying all the while his own big round eyes filling with tears and his lower lip started quivering. It was the cutest sight. Finally he started bawling.
That moment was the happiest moment of my life, well my life so far. Why? Because those tears were for me. Hoony cries about a lot of things but never had he cried for me. I had to stop crying and comfort him instead. He has always been one spoiled little brat. After that I never cried in front of him again. And Jiyong? Well he’s still around but he’s not a threat anymore.
I wonder whether he will ever shed tears for me again. I’ll never find out now that she is here. God, I can’t stand her. The way she clings to his arm and the way she makes him laugh makes me sick. Why can’t I do that?! Why can’t I make him laugh?! That beautiful innocent laugh was for her! Everything he does was for her and her only!
Who am I kidding?! Hoony was never mine to begin with. I was just his best friend. I should be happy for him. I should be happy that he found love and happiness. I should! But I’m not!
They’ve been together for three months now, the most agonizing three months of my life. I was really uncomfortable around them so I avoided them. Not that they…he noticed. You know what really bugs me though? It’s the fact that I can’t do anything about the whole situation. Normally I would just use violence to solve the problem but she is a girl.
What kind of lowlife beats on a girl?! But I can’t just sit here and do nothing! I’ve done nothing but that for the last three months and I am miserable! ‘Hmmmm… what to do, what to do…’
I felt someone tapping my shoulder. I turn around to see his beautiful brown eyes looking at me. There was something in his eyes though. I could see that something was bothering him.
“Hello? Is anybody home?” knocking on my head.
I finally snapped out of my trance. “Owww that hurts!” rubbing my head in mock pain.
He flashed me an adorable smile.
I felt my heart skip a beat.
“What do you want?” His smile quickly disappeared and that troubled look returned. “Is something wrong Hoony?” I asked gently. His eyes widened as if he was surprised.
“No, no nothing’s wrong. I was about to ask you the same question hyung. Is everything ok? I haven’t seen you in a while.”
“What are you talking about? You see me in school everyday,” I answered nonchalantly.
“You know what I mean. We don’t hang out anymore.” Then quietly he added, “ I miss you.”
Oh my God… Is he actually worried about me? So he did notice! I felt my heart give a little tug. ‘He noticed, he noticed…’, I happily chanted in my head. I decided to give him a little payback for making the last three months a living hell for me.
“Sunghoon… I have something to tell you”, I said quietly in a very serious tone.
“What is it hyung?” he asked in a concerned voice in response to my seriousness.
“WHAT?!” His eyes were bulging.
He grabbed my hands. “What do you mean you’re dying? What is wrong with you? Tell me hyung!” His eyes implored into my eyes… anticipating.
He has such beautiful eyes. I looked away from those hypnotic eyes and looked down at his hands holding mine, tightly.
‘So close yet so far away.’
“Hyung.” His voice was shaky. I snapped back to his face and saw tears brimming in his eyes.
My heart was beaming. He’s crying for me again. I couldn’t help but smile. His face went from sorrow to confused. When my smile only broadens his expression changed to shock and finally realization. He let go of my hands well more like threw them.
“Stop laughing you jerk!”
“Hahaha…… I’m sorry Sunghoon……I couldn’t resist. You’re too gullible.” He shot me a dirty glare but I can see that he has calmed down a little.
“Well? You still haven’t answered my question!”
Suddenly it’s not that funny anymore. “I’ve been busy that’s all,” I lied. I can tell by his face that I didn’t do that great a job at it.
“Busy with what?”
“Uh…Jiyong… he needs help in English class so I’m tutoring him”, I blurted.
“I didn’t know Jiyong needed help with English…”
“Oh he does,” nodding my head eagerly.
“I wonder why he didn’t ask me for help. After all my English is better than yours,” he stated matter-of-factly.
“No way my English is waaaaay better than yours. Besides aren’t you too busy with Soyoung anyways?” He blushed. I wanted to die. I guess he didn’t notice the sarcasm when I said that.
It’s her. I’d know that voice anywhere. She eagerly placed herself right between Hoony and me. She gave him a kiss and clamped onto her usual place on his arm. I suddenly wanted to puke.
“Jiwon are you done with my Sunghoonie yet. I would like to have him back to catch the 8 o’ clock movie.”
“Uhh…yeah sure… I was about to leave anyway. I promised my mom that I’d be home for dinner tonight,” I mumbled.
“Oh great. Well have fun I know we will. Bye.”
With that she proceeded to drag my Hoony away from me. “Uh…bye hyung. Give me a call when you have time,” he hurriedly blurted out before he allowed himself to be hauled away.
“Yes!!! I am the master!” Jiyong triumphantly exclaimed while running around waving his arms and shaking his butt. It’s his little victory dance. He does it whenever he beats me at a video game. Usually I don’t have that many chances of seeing the victory dance but today, I’ve seen it five times already. I just sat there looking at him, completely detached.
When he saw that I was not paying any attention to him he stopped.
“Man! You have to take the fun away from my victory don’t you?” He accused.
“Like you could beat me. If my mind weren’t ……”
“Weren’t dreaming about Sunghoon!” He interjected.
I glared at him. Remember I said Jiyong was still around? Well here he is. We’ve become good friends actually…well after it became clear that he has no intentions towards Hoony. Jiyong is the only other soul who knows my feelings for Hoony. But I have to tell you this guy has like the biggest mouth in the world. I had to threaten him to keep him from telling Hoony. With what? I threatened to tell every little embarrassing thing he ever did to his girlfriend.
“I don’t get you hyung. I mean with your looks you can get any girl you want but no.
Instead you choose to sit around and secretly drool over Sunghoon.”
“I don’t drool.” I warned.
“Uh huh.” He rolled his eyes. “Then again I can see why you do,” he said mockingly. “I mean how can anyone resist those big round eyes or his luscious lips? I bet his lips are soft and sweet. Mmm…mmmm…” He licked his lips. I glared at him dangerously but he chose to ignore me and continue his mocking.
“Oh Hoony you’re so beautiful. I love you so much. And you’re so sexy I just want to rip your clothes off and fuck you into a wall.” He gushed in a high-pitched voice.
“Stop it.” I ordered and lunging at him. But he anticipated my move so he easily escaped.
“Why don’t you make me?!” He challenged with a smirk plastered on his face.
Jiyong is a good friend to have but sometimes he can be one cocky son of a bitch. This was one of those times. At times like those there is only one way to win, fight dirty.
“Ok…if you don’t shut up I will gladly inform Soyun the time you had to walk home from school in your Superman undies. I knew I won once I saw the horrified expression on his face, which he quickly recovered. He opened his mouth as if he was about to come back with some snide remark but decided against it and closed it. ‘Works every time.’
The way to beat him is to threaten his ‘manhood’ in front of his girlfriend. Haven’t failed me yet.
We started another round of the game in silence. I lost again. I expected him to do this victory dance again but he didn’t. He just sat there looking at me contemplatively.
Finally I turned and faced him.
‘Seriously hyung, you can’t go on like this. You have to decide either to tell him or get over him.”
I didn’t answer him but I knew he was right. Didn’t I say he was a good friend?
“I need time to think.” I said while getting up. “Thanks Jiyong.” I said as I was making my way to the door.
“Anytime hyung.” I left.
I didn’t feel like going home yet so I walked around aimlessly. “You have to decide either to tell him or get over him.”
Jiyong’s words repeated itself over and over in my head. ‘What should I do?’ Deep down I already knew the answer to my own question. I have to get over him.
I have to get over him! If I tell him he would totally freak out on me and I could lose him.
I can’t risk that, he means more to me than anything. I would much rather have him in my life as a friend than not having him in my life at all. Why is life so unfair? Why can’t I be with the one I love?
“Leave me alone!”
Wait! That sounded like…
“Let me go!”
Yes, that’s her. I’d know her voice anywhere. She sounded like she was in trouble. I ran towards the sound of her voice.
And I saw some guy twice her size trying to drag her into a dark alley. The guy was obviously drunk.
“You’re not leaving me bitch!” he angrily growled.
“Let me go… I don’t know you” she fearfully sobbed. Her face was streaked with tears.
“Hey! Let her go!” I barked.
“Jiwon….” A look of relief spreads across her face once she saw me.
“Mind your own business kid!” He angrily slurred.
I went up and punched him. He was out cold, thanks to the alcohol. I took her hand and started walking. I didn’t know where I was going I just wanted to get her away from that place. After we were far enough I stopped. We were in the park. I turned and faced her.
“Are you okay? What are you doing out so late in that kind of neighborhood anyway.” I questioned roughly.
Her head was down, refusing to answer me. I saw tears sliding down her cheeks. Suddenly I remembered my promise to get over Hoony. I should at least try to be nice to her. After all she is the one he loves. I placed my hand on her shoulder and gently squeezed it.
“Soyoung, don’t cry. Everything is alright now,” I said more softly. All of a sudden she threw her arms around my neck and started sobbing hysterically. I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry. I felt my anger and jealousy towards her melting away with every tear that was finding its way down her face. This only made me feel that my decision was right. She’s not so bad. She will make him happy, that’s what’s important.
She finally stopped crying. She pulled herself away from me wiping her tears. “I’m sorry….. Thank you” she said quietly.
“Feeling better?” She nodded. I smiled at her. Surprised, she smiled back.
“Bless you.” I took of my jacket and wrapped it around her. She looked at me as if in awed. I guessed she was just surprised at my actions. I’ve always been cold towards her.
“Th…Thank you Jiwon” she said quietly, looking away.
“Come on, I’ll take you home.” She nodded, still refusing to look at me.
We walked in silence with me a few paces behind her. When we finally arrived at her house, we stopped and stood there for awhile, with her back towards me. She suddenly turned around and held on to me.
“Thank you Jiwon.” Then I felt her lips on mine. The kiss was brief. She quickly ran inside her house before I had a chance to react, leaving me standing outside, utterly confused.
The day’s events were still running through my mind when I neared home. I spied someone sitting on my porch surrounded by a whole lot of luggage. The person was sitting on the steps with his head on his knees.
“Sunghoon…?” I asked uncertainly. His head pops up. “What’s going on?”
“Hyung! I need a really big favor.”
“Really?” I said eyeing the luggage.
“You see…my apartment well my building actually was declared unsafe to inhabit by the government. Turns out the radon levels were way high so…I need a place to stay.
At least for a while until I find another place.” He stopped talking and eyed me with his big brown eyes.
I just stood there while thoughts of ‘Oh my God!’ were running through my head. I must have stood there a good while because he waved his cute hand in my line of sight to get my attention.
“Please Wonnie? It’s only for a little while besides you have a spare room. I’ll pay you rent. You won’t even notice that I’m here. Wonnie you wouldn’t want me to live on the streets would you?”
He is so cute when he begs. When I still wouldn’t answer him he deployed the ultimate weapon against Eun Jiwon, the Kang Sunghoon pout and sad puppy eyes. I can’t say no to that, never could and probably never would. ‘You’re not going to make this easy are you?’ I silently asked God. ‘Just when I made up my mind to move on you have to make us live together.’ Living up to my vow of moving on is not going to be easy. I let out a big sigh.
“I suppose you can stay with me,” I said dramatically as if I was reluctant. Yeah right. He let out a little shriek and threw his arms around me.
“Thank you Wonnie! You’re the best hyung in the whole wide world,” he said sucking up to me.
Yeah…hyung, that is all I will ever be to you.
He comes flying into the bedroom. “What’s wrong hyung?” He asked worriedly seeing me crouched on the floor.
“What the hell do you have in that thing?” I demanded referring to the suitcase I just plopped down. “Rocks??”
“No…its just stuff.”
“Well your st-uff just threw my back!” His eyes widen and a sorry look crept onto his pretty face. “Now help me up” I ordered roughly. I ignored his troubled face; I was in way too much pain to care. He wound one of my arms around his neck and wrapped one of his arms around my waist. Slowly we made it to my bedroom and onto my bed.
“I’m sorry hyung,” he said quietly. He sounded like he was on the verge of tears. Now I feel bad.
“Hoony yah don’t worry I’m ok. It wasn’t your fault anyway. I should have been more careful,” I sooth. I didn’t do a very good job of comforting him because tears were running down his pretty face. Now I feel really bad.
“Hey. Don’t worry I am ok” I said softly. “See…” I tried to sit up. Bad idea! “Oww!!”
“What are you doing? Are you crazy? Lay back down!” he ordered angrily.
“Oww…it hurts Hoony. Make it stop” I whined pathetically.
“Turn over” he ordered.
“I said turn over!”
I did as I was told. He got on the bed and I felt him straddling my legs. ‘Oh God! Oh God!’ He lifted my shirt exposing my bare back. He then placed his hands on my lower back and started massaging my aching muscles. The minute his hands made contact with my back my entire body tensed. As his hands roamed freely over my back I felt myself getting turned on. Thank God I was lying on my stomach so he couldn’t see my erection.
“Hyung why are you so tense? Just relax. I’ll make you feel better.”
With that he took the liberty of moving his hands to my neck and shoulders. I was in agony. My heart was racing I could hear it pounding in my ears. It took all the self-control
I possessed to keep my breathing normal.
“Hyung! I don’t know if you are familiar with the whole massage process but as I understand it you have to RELAX!!”
He was working his way down my back again. ‘I just want to rip your clothes off and fuck you into a wall’ Jiyong’s word taunted me over and over again. It was very tempting since he was oh so close. Oh God how I wanted to jump him right then and there. I painfully forced myself not to ravish him. Finally with jaws clenched, hands clasped onto the bed sheets, and face buried in the pillow I ejaculated. My body went limp.
“That’s more like it. Now doesn’t that feel good?”
He had no idea…
“I’ll get it.”
Once he left I allowed myself to breath. I was panting as if I had just run a marathon.
“Soyoung! How did you know I was here?”
“Oh. Well I’m staying here for a while…”
As he was busy explaining his living situation to her I finally got myself together.
Ignoring the pain in my back I forced myself up. I needed to get out of my semen-soiled clothes. I headed to the bathroom for a shower.
I stirred the eggs in the pan restlessly. Life in the last week has not been easy. I tried to move on and forget him but it’s a bit difficult when there is this beautiful creature slinking around you. Kinda hard to put him out of my mind when I see him day in and day out.
“Good morning hyung,” he yawned sleepily. “What’s for breakfast?” he inquired. I didn’t dare look at him but I heard him as he went over to the fridge and reached for the usual…orange juice.
Did I forget to mention that he likes to romp around in nothing but a pair of boxers? Well he does! To think that there is only a single thin layer of cloth separating me from a naked Sunghoon is absolute…torture.
“Scramble eggs and bacon,” I answered. He nodded his head and started gulping down his glass of OJ. I couldn’t help myself as I sneaked a glance at him. He was wearing a pair of orange boxers, a shade of sunset orange. I quickly snatched my eyes away from him. The last thing I need is to have an erection while scrambling eggs.
I placed his breakfast in front of him and he immediately starts stuffing himself. It’s amazing how skinny he is considering the amount of food he consumes. I sat there picking my food and watching him eat. After a while he finally realizes that I was staring at him.
“Why aren’t you eating hyung?” He is holding a slice of bacon in his right hand. He takes a bite and starts chewing, eyes fixed on me.
“I’m not very hungry” I lied.
“What’s the matter? You feeling ok? Your not sick are you?” He sounded…worried?
“No I’m fine. I just don’t have an appetite.”
“Well in that case can I have the rest of your plate?”
“Good God! Don’t you ever get full?” I exclaimed as I shoved my plate over to him.
“I’m a growing boy I need my vitamins.”
“You’re just a bottomless pit.”
He stuck his tongue out at me and I laughed. He is just so childish sometimes.
“Come on hurry up we gotta get to school.” I urged. He stuffed one last bite in his mouth before heading for his room to put some clothes on. I got up, picked up the dishes and put them in the sink.
The lights were off; the room was only illuminated by the flickering images from the TV.
The movie looks very interesting but my mind was off somewhere else. It was half way into the movie and I was completely lost. Bored out of my mind I got up and headed to the kitchen.
I needed something to munch on. I opened all the cupboards but nothing interested me.
Didn’t feel like having any chips, popcorn, or candy. I scanned the entire kitchen finally my eyes settled on the fridge. ‘Ice cream!’ I opened the freezer and there it was…the last chocolate covered vanilla ice cream bar. I eagerly grabbed it.
I was heading back to the movie when Sunghoon came in. Amazingly he was fully clothed tonight perhaps due to the chilly night temperatures. He went straight to the fridge. I wondered what he was looking for so I stayed and watched him. He opened the freezer, looked inside and closed it. He slowly turned his head towards me and stared right at me…or should I say my ice cream bar?
“No!” I said knowing full well what his intentions were.
“Please Wonnie? I really want some ice cream.” He gave me his most pathetic look.
“No! I was here first so there!” I wasn’t going to give any ground.
He stood there contemplating what his next move should be. His eyes widened as if he made a discovery. ‘Oh no!’ His bottom lip started to protrude and his eyebrows started scrunching together. He was using his deadliest weapon.
‘Dammit!’ The hand that was holding the ice cream bar started extending towards him.
‘Wait a minute! I should learn to say no to him. I should!’ I quickly retracted my surrendering arm.
He looked at me in utter shock. He couldn’t believe that his most powerful weapon had failed him. I smiled gloatingly at him. Realizing that begging is not going to help him he took another approach.
He lunged at me trying to grab the bar from my hand and we both go falling down onto the kitchen floor. The bar went flying across the room. I couldn’t move he was on top of me. He tried to head toward the bar but I grabbed him and rolled on top of him. We both struggled to overpower each other as we moved closer and closer to the last chocolate covered vanilla ice cream bar.
I finally gave up and he sat on my stomach huffing and puffing. I was out of breath too.
He easily reached over and recovered the prize. He sat on me as he triumphantly licked the ice cream bar. I was fuming.
“Alright you won! Now get off of me.”
He didn’t budge and seeing how mad I was made his smile spread wider. I was too tired to fight him so I just lay there passively glaring at him as he ate.
He finished half the ice cream. He then lowered the rest and started to feed me. I obediently started sucking at the soft sweet treat.
Smiling. “Is Wonnie still mad at Hoony?” I narrowed my eyes at him as I continue to suck. “I’m sharing,” he continued innocently. “I’m such a good boy.” I rolled my eyes at him.
“Oh hyung you’re such a messy eater,” he exclaimed. Trickles of melted ice cream were making its way down my throat from the corners of my mouth. He wiped away the escaped ice cream with his free thumb. He then raised his hand to his mouth and licked his thumb. I stopped eating. I stared at him as he continued to wipe and lick the ice cream that was on me. I silently willed him to forget about the stupid thumb and just lick the ice cream straight off of me.
He glanced at me and started laughing. ‘What the hell is so funny?’ Then I realized what he was laughing at. Since I stopped eating the ice cream it had melted all over my mouth, chin, neck and the collar of my shirt.
He reached onto the counter and returned with a towel. He took the rest of the still solid ice cream out of my mouth. He leaned down and started wiping me while laughing and shaking his head. I didn’t pay any attention to the mess on me all I noticed was his face was only inches away from mine.
My mind was in a frenzy. In the heat of the moment I laid down all my fears and reservations. My heart was pounding as
I slowly raised my hand to the back of his neck. I didn’t care what the consequences would be. I didn’t care whether he was gay or not. At that moment all I care about was having him. My hand was closing in…one more inch to go…
“I’ll get that.” He raced into the living room already forgetting me.
God I hate that bitch! No I shouldn’t say that. I should be thankful or I might have done quite a lot of irreversible damage. Yeah I should be…but not right now. I got off the kitchen floor and headed to the bathroom for a shower…a cold shower!
I just got back from grocery shopping. Yes I bought more chocolate covered vanilla ice cream bars, two boxes. Wouldn’t want what happened the other night to happen again.
But I have to admit it was very arousing, rolling around the floor, my body against his.
Can’t deny that I didn’t enjoy it. But its best that never happen again…I have to remember that I have to get over him.
I fumbled around my pockets for the key. Finally I managed to open the door while balancing all the bags.
“I’m home!” I yelled. There was no answer.
I went into the kitchen and set the things on the counter. Exhausted I headed into the living room. I flipped on the TV. I was giving my thumb a good workout as I channel surfed. Nothing interested me. ‘Wonderful! Fifty somewhat channels and there is nothing on. Why am I paying for this again?’ I glanced at the clock. It’s 6pm. ‘I should start dinner… Where could he be?’ Then I suddenly remember that he was going out with her tonight. ‘Well then there is no rush to start dinner when the bottomless pit is not here.’ I yawned tiredly. I closed my heavy lids and let myself drift off to slumberland.
I woke up dead sore from sleeping on the couch. I looked at the clock…10pm. My stomach grumbled demanding me to feed it. I got up and went into the kitchen. ‘What to eat what to eat…’ Since it was only me I settled upon ramen noodles. I grabbed a pot and started boiling some water.
Fifteen minutes later I was stuffing myself with a bowl of piping hot instant noodles. Ten minutes later I was done and full. I tried my luck with the TV again…nope nothing! ‘God I have no life!’ Bored out of my mind I decided to shower and do some work instead.
I tore my eyes away from the paper I was working on and glanced at the clock…1am.
‘Where is he?’ I was getting more than a little worried. My mind started playing all the possible horrible things that could have happened to him. What if he was robbed and left half beaten to death on some alleyway? What if he was hit by a car? ‘Stop it Jiwon!
You’re acting like an idiot! You know damn well where he is.’ Truth is I didn’t want to admit to myself the most obvious reason. He was probably over there fucking her.
Images of them doing it keep flashing through my mind. I know I promised to get over him but I love him so much. I couldn’t help myself. The heart is much stronger than the mind when love is concerned. Is it so wrong to love him? No it’s not wrong to love him.
I’m just putting myself through a whole lot of shit by loving him. But is it not up to me to decide whether all the pain is worth it? Yes but its only worth it when that love is returned. As the hours went by my heart was in agony because every second that he doesn’t spend with me was every second spent with her.
It’s 3 am. He was still with her. My heart was in so much pain. In the few hours my heart was beaten, tortured and left bleeding but it refuses to die. It wouldn’t give up on him…stubborn little thing. I didn’t know whether I should I be thankful or not.
‘What the hell? Its 3 in the morning. Who could it be?’ I got up and opened the door to reveal a Jiyong supporting a very drunk and passed out Sunghoon.
“Oh my God! What the hell happened?” I demanded as I reached for my Hoony.
“Well apparently Soyoung dumped him.” Jiyong answered simply as he handed Sunghoon over to me.
He shrugged his shoulders. “When I found him at the club he was pretty much gone. All I managed to get out of his babbling was that they broke up.”
“Hey he is my friend too. Remember we were friends before you and I were friends.”
“I know I know.”
“So…” he gave me a sly look. “Now that she is out of the picture you think you could win him over?”
I looked at him incredulously. “This is hardly the time or the place to even consider that!”
“Oh please!” he rolled his eyes at me. “He is vulnerable right now so it’s the perfect time for you to make your move.
Get him when he is confused. If you wait until he is healed he’ll just realize that one penis in a relationship is enough.
Generally people are more willing to accept new ideas when they are confused.” He lectured.
I stared at him not believing that he just said all that. ‘What kind of whacked up job is he?’ I started to close the door on him.
“What!” I glared at him.
“Nothing is given to you in life, you have to work for it! Including happiness. Think about what I said.” With that he turned and left without me having to slam the door in his face.
I was surprised, he was right. Most of the stuff Jiyong spews out of his big mouth is crap but he somehow always manages to say the right thing when it counts.
I carried Sunghoon to his room and onto his bed. I started untying his shoes and slipping them off along with his socks.
“Soyoung…Soyoung…” he whined pathetically. He has a right to call her but it still hurts.
He kept calling her name. It was driving me nuts. Its like a knife stabbing my already wounded heart over and over again. I felt myself getting angry. I wanted him to stop calling for her. I did the only thing I could to shut him up. I placed my mouth over his.
I was kissing him…hard, sucking the life out of him. I wanted to erase Soyoung out of his mind, heart and soul. I didn’t want him to remember her…to want her. To my surprise he slowly responded to my kiss. I froze. My eyes immediately flew to his face to see whether he has regain consciousness. Nope his eyes were still closed. Relief settled over me and I continue to proceed with my stolen kiss.
I licked his lower lip coaxing him to open his mouth. He obediently obliged and I slipped my tongue inside. A small moan escaped from him as I conquered his mouth. His mouth was so warm and soft. And even though it reeked of alcohol it still tasted sweet nonetheless simply because he was my Hoony.
I could feel his heart beat picking up along with mine. My mind was warning me to stop before I wake him but my heart was intent on splurging. As I said before the heart is much stronger than the mind when love is concerned. I pushed all my doubts, fears and reservations out of the way and concentrated on tasting him.
As unwilling as I was to break the kiss I had to for the need for oxygen was desperate.
He whimpered in protest when I released his mouth. I couldn’t stop myself as I moved my lips to his neck. My hands unbuttoned his shirt revealing his perfectly smooth chest.
I was straddling his hips as I let my tongue travel to his naked chest.
I stole one nipple with my mouth, gently sucking on it. He gasped when I lightly tugged it with my teeth. I moved on to claim the other nipple as my hands traveled to more southern regions. I gave the other nipple the same treatment while I was ridding him of his remaining clothes.
Getting off him and now sitting on the side I unbuckled his belt. I slipped his jeans off and reunited them with his other clothes on the floor. My hand was trembling as I brought it to his waist. My hand rested on his boxer rims as I momentarily hesitated. My mind debated the morality of my actions and my actions to come. But frankly, I could care less about morals at that moment. With one swift motion I ripped the boxers off and joined them with the other clothes.
I couldn’t help smiling at the sight of his penis it was so…pretty. Ok so my judgment is a little clouded but can you blame me? Everything else about him is pretty why can’t his penis be pretty also?
I spread his legs apart and sat between his legs. I leaned down and ran my tongue down his penis. It immediately hardened in response to my touch. I took as much of his penis as I could in my mouth and did a little tornado action with my tongue. He was emitting all sorts of delicious sounds as I started to suck.
I sucked harder and he instinctively raised his hips and started thrusting against my mouth. I clutched onto is tiny waist to steady him. We continued this for a while as he moaned in sheer pain and pleasure. It wasn’t long before he reached orgasm. His body tensed and shook as he came in my mouth. I swallowed it, every last drop of his sweet bodily fluid.
I sat up and stared at the naked Sunghoon before me whose breathing was slowly calming down as he drifted into deeper slumber. I laid one last gentle kiss on his pretty penis before I put his boxers back on. I lay down next to him and just stared at his beautiful sleeping face. I couldn’t help myself as I pull him close to me. I just wanted to hold him…just for a little while. He gave a little whimper and snuggled up to me while his legs locked me in possessively.
I looked down onto my Hoony who has his face buried in my chest and saw a small smile hanging on his lips. I wondered what he was dreaming about as I held him tightly.
Suddenly I felt hot stinging tears gathering in my eyes. I wasn’t sure why I was crying perhaps because I knew this was probably the closest I will ever get to him. I let my tears flow freely soaking the pillow. I knew I had to let him go soon but for now…just that moment he was mine.
It’s been a week since that infamous night. The next morning he didn’t remember anything about the night before except the fact that Soyoung dumped him. I was both relieved and disappointed at the same time. Part of me is afraid of losing him if and when he finds out and part of me just wants to get it out in the open. As confused as I am about what I should do I know that the time for any kind of action is not now. I didn’t want to take advantage of him when he is vulnerable. I want him to be with me because he loves me and not because I am some sort of lifesaver that he can cling to.
I looked worriedly over to the other couch where he was sitting. Still sporting nothing more but a pair of boxers. He was licking a wad of peanut butter on a spoon. He always does this when something bothers him. Its not a good sign when he does this. It’s his way of shutting everyone out including me.
I expected him to cry or at least talk about the break up with me but he didn’t. In the last week he has done nothing except sit around and lick peanut butter. He is half way through his second jar already. It hurts to see him like this because he is showing me how much she meant to him. Otherwise why is he so troubled if she didn’t hold such a high position in his life?
“Hoony ah I’m going out for awhile do you want me to pick anything up?” I needed to get away seeing him like this is too painful. He didn’t even look at me as he shook his head. Sighing heavily I left. He probably didn’t even notice.
I didn’t even know where I was going as I started walking. Somehow I ended in a park.
Tired from my trek I sat on one of the benches and watched the happy couples that walked by. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I noticed was that it’s completely dark out. My watch told me its 6pm. I slowly headed home.
I was not prepared for the sight that greeted me when I got home. The Sunghoon that stood before me was not the same Sunghoon I had left a few hours ago. I blinked stupidly at the foreign Sunghoon who was smiling cutely at me. He was wearing an apron on top of his boxers, his hair was a mess and he was sweating profusely.
“I made dinner,” he announced proudly. “But it’s a little well done…” he added sheepishly.
I turned my attention to where he was gesturing and my eyes landed on the way overcooked steak. How bad was it? Let me put it this way; I didn’t even know it was steak until he told me. I couldn’t help smiling at him when he looked at me with his apologetic eyes. He is just too adorable.
I came home and found him asleep on the couch curled up like a little kitten. I felt my face turn a bright shade of red when I saw that he had on the same pair of boxers he had on THAT night. I still don’t know what happened a month ago when he made a complete 360 during the few hours that I was away. I would be lying to you if I said that I was okay with the fact that he is keeping things from me. It hurts. I feel like I was being slowly pushed out of his life. There was definitely a gap between us.
I grabbed my blanket from my room and covered him up. I grazed his cheek with the back of my hand he was very warm. I hand immediately flew to his forehead. He was burning up!
“Hoony…Hoony…” I gently shook him.
“Hmm…” one of his eyes popped open.
“Come on get up.”
“No…I have a headache…” he whined groggily.
“I know sweetie. You’ll feel more comfortable in bed so come on.”
I slowly helped him off the couch. He almost toppled over when he stood up. I quickly grabbed his waist and draped him on me. With much difficulty we finally made it to his bedroom and onto his bed. I ran to the bathroom and got the thermometer and placed it under his tongue. It read 105.
“No! No! No!” he shook his head adamantly.
“It’ll make you feel better.” I coaxed.
“I don’t care. I hate that stuff. It’s disgusting” crossing his arms across his chest.
“You can have this peppermint candy afterwards.” I tried to bribe him.
“Fine then don’t take it. Don’t get better. See if I care!” I spat out angrily.
The atmosphere of the room suddenly changed into something very ugly. I don’t know why I said that. I usually have a higher tolerance for his childish antics…I usually like it. I felt that gap between us again. He had his face turned away from me. He suddenly felt very foreign to me.
He was crying. I felt my heart crack because I didn’t know why he was crying. It feels like there is a million miles between us. I placed my hand on his face and forced him to look at me. I was scared at what I saw for I didn’t recognize what I was seeing. His eyes didn’t hold any anger or sadness and it was definitely not one of his temper tantrums.
This is a Sunghoon I’ve never seen before and it scares me. Its scary to love someone so much and then realize you don’t even know them.
“Hoony ah…I’m sorry for what I said. Please don’t cry.”
“Hyung…” he threw his arms around me and clung to me as he continues to sob. His crying sounded so…so…desolate. It was heartbreaking and my heart was breaking with him, piece by piece.
“Oh God…baby please tell me what’s wrong.” I begged while tightening my hold around him.
“I don’t know…*sob* I don’t know anything anymore. I’m so…*sob* so confused. I…I…” He was getting hysterical. I felt him starting to hyperventilate.
“Shh… It’s ok. Shh…” stroking his back trying to calm his cries.
“My head…really *sob* hurts…” he whined.
“I know I know…poor baby.” I continued to coo him and he eventually stopped crying. I held him with his head buried in my now soaking neck as he hiccupped.
“Are you done?”
“Uh *hiccup* huh” I laid him back against the pillow.
“Gee thanks.” I said dryly referring to the mixture of tears and snot on my neck and shirt.
“Sorry hyung *hiccup*” he said with a small smile. I handed him a glass of water.
“Feeling better?” He nodded. “Ready to take the medicine now?” He shook his head still refusing.
“Come on Hoony. I guarantee that when you wake up you’ll feel 100% better.” I begged. “Besides I think you owe me at least that much,” I added referring to his present on my neck and shirt.
“Fine.” He pouted.
I poured the green liquid into the little plastic cup to 15 milliliters and handed it to him.
He looked at it distastefully but drown it all nonetheless. He grimaced at the aftertaste. I quickly gave him some water to wash down the liquid then the peppermint candy to kill the aftertaste. This was very important procedure because if the aftertaste is not killed immediately the medicine could return.
“Now that wasn’t so bad was it?” He glared at me silently as he sucked on the candy. I smiled at him.
“Alright, alright its time for you to get some rest.” I said tucking him in.
“But I’m not tired yet” he complained.
“Just close your eyes and you’ll be asleep in no time. Sweet dreams.” I kissed his forehead.
I sat on the bed holding his hand and watched him closed his eyes. He is such a baby when he is sick. Not to sound mean or anything but I like it when he is sick. It gives me the chance to mother him. And he likes it; correction he demands it when he is sick.
Only when he is sick am I able to kiss him and call him cute little names. And only when he is sick do I feel needed…wanted. Before long his breathing slowed as he headed into dreamland.
I was heading out the room when I remembered something. I crushed my lips against his lips and forced his mouth open gently. I stuck my tongue inside his mouth and fished out the half dissolved peppermint candy. He could have swallowed and choked on the damn thing!
I was in the kitchen making some chicken noodle soup when I heard someone knocking at the door. I opened the door and found a very uncomfortable Soyoung.
“Soyoung! What are you doing here?” I was beyond shock.
“I uh came to return this.” She pushed her arm towards me. It was my jacket. I already forgot about that.
“Oh…thank you,” I said politely. A very uncomfortable silence settled over us. She shifted uncomfortably in her feet.
“Is there something else?”
“Huh? Uh…yea…” she hung her head and looked down at the ground.
She took a deep breath. Her head popped up and she looked at me straight in the eye.
“Jiwon I think I’m in love with you. The reason I broke up with Sunghoon is because of you. Sunghoon is a wonderful guy and I’m sorry for hurting him but I can’t deny what I feel for you.” She blurted.
“And you are telling me this because…?” I asked slowly.
“Well…I…I want to be with you” was her simple answer almost as if it was the way it should be.
I stared at her with my mouth open in the shape of a big giant O. ‘You are really something else.’ I was beyond offended.
“What kind of guy do you think I am?” I questioned simply.
“Huh?” She was so clueless.
“Do you really think I would go out with my best friend’s ex-girlfriend after she dumped him and put him through a week of misery?” I said angrily.
“I am aware of all that but sometimes…sometimes you have to make sacrifices for love” another matter-of-factly statement.
I was really beginning to hate her tone of voice. She was talking as if whatever she said was the way it was or the way it should be.
“What makes you think I love you?” I almost spat it in her face. Her face fell, no literally her face was wiped of that stupid smile on her face but she quickly recovered herself.
She started laughing.
“Hahaha… I love it when guys have a sense of humor.” I suddenly felt very sorry for her.
She threw away a guy who thinks the world of her for another guy who doesn’t even like her. But oh well her loss my gain right?
“Soyoung I’m serious. I don’t love you and I don’t want to be with you. Heck I don’t even like you. I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression.” I was truly sorry for her.
“But…but…that night… You didn’t feel anything? Then why? Why were you so nice to me?” she asked desperately for some sort of understanding.
“You’re my best friend’s girlfriend. The least I can do is be nice to you even though I didn’t like you.” I know it was harsh but sometimes there are feeling that you can’t spare.
“You don’t even like me? Well…why not? What? Am I not good enough for you?” she demanded. Her wounded ego was starting to show.
“No, no…you’re just not my type that’s all.” No kidding.
“And what type would that be?” she demanded angrily. She crossed her arms and waited impatiently for my explanation. I didn’t know what to say to her.
“Hyung…” Sunghoon’s hoarse cry from the room broke the uncomfortable silence.
“Coming!” I yelled back at him. I turned back to her and she was still looking at me expectantly.
“Look Sunghoon is really sick and I really don’t have time for this now ok? You’re not my type just like the many women
I see everyday are not my type.” I paused from my hurried explanation. “I’m sorry,” I added. I didn’t know what else to say to her.
It would’ve been really mean to slam the door in her face considering I just broke her heart. So I left her standing at the door looking somewhat between a mixture of confusion, defeat and anger.
“Feeling better?” I asked cheerfully as I entered his room with a bowl of chicken noodle soup.
“A little…but my head still hurts” he pouted.
I took his temperature again it was 103.
“Well I bought you some soup. And don’t you dare tell me that you’re not hungry because you need something in your stomach. Now open up,” I commanded.
Surprisingly he did so without any complaint. I tested the temperature of the soup.
“Ouch!” I winced as the liquid burned the tip of my tongue.
“Hey I thought that was my soup” he whined cutely.
“I was just testing how hot it was. Fine I won’t test it next time so you can have the chance of burning YOUR tongue.” I retorted sarcastically as I stirred the soup.
“Aww…poor Wonnie has a booboo. I’d kiss it and make it all better but it’s on your tongue and that’s just ewy.” He treated me to one of his cute smiles.
I lightly whapped his arm and he laughed. I smiled at him nonetheless. Of course he had no idea hence he didn’t mean anything by it but it still hurts.
I gave the soup one last stir and tested it again.
“It’s ok now.” I announced. “Careful its still pretty hot” I warned as I blew on the spoonful and brought it to his mouth.
He eagerly devoured it. We didn’t say anything as I fed him. We just made a lot of eye contact. It was very um…titillating.
After he finished I tucked him in bed. I sat on his bed holding his hand and hummed to him until he fell asleep. I leaned down and stole another soft kiss from his lips.
‘Shit I thought she left!’ I quickly ran out of his bedroom. She was in the living room looking at me with enormous eyes. I took at step towards her opening my mouth to try to explain to her but she backed away. I stopped and looked at her.
There was something in her eyes; I don’t know what but it was definitely something more than just the element of surprise. I walked towards her and she backed herself towards the still open door. We never broke eye contact. She was outside the house. She suddenly smiled at me before she bolted.
I ran outside but she was gone. ‘That was way weird.’ I didn’t like the way she smiled at me. It was very taunting as if saying ‘I know your secret’. But oh well what’s done is done. I was just glad that she was out of our lives. ‘Good riddance!’
I woke up in the middle of the night from the discomfort of sleeping in a chair. I looked over to his bed but it was empty.
‘Where did he go?’ I left his room and found him crouched on the floor against the wall.
“Sunghoon what are you doing?” His head whipped around to face me. I must have surprised him.
“Oh hyung. I need to pee but I seem to be having trouble making it to the bathroom.” He joked.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I demanded.
“Well you were asleep. Really, I can wee wee by myself. I’m a big boy. But since you’re already up can you do me a little favor?”
“Can you make everything stop spinning?” he begged.
“Aw…my poor Hoony.” I cooed as I helped him from the floor. We made it to the bathroom with him clinging to me for dear life.
I positioned him in front of the toilet and was about to leave when he started to sway. I had to stand behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist so that he could lean his weight on me to keep steady. I looked dead straight ahead not daring to look down for I was afraid of the effects that would overcome me by the sight.
“*ahem*…Hyung…?” he squeaked.
“Yeah” my gaze still fixated straight ahead.
He cleared his throat again. “Um a little problem…” he was still squeaking.
“What is it?” I was afraid to ask because I had a growing suspicion of what it was.
“Um…everything is a little topsy turvey and…” he paused momentarily. “And I can’t aim straight” he added in a small voice.
‘Dear God, why are you torturing me like this Sunghoon?’ Without saying a single word I tore away one of my hands from his waist to reacquaint it with his penis. It was completely limp. ‘That can be fix easily.’ I held his penis and aimed for the center of the toilet bowl. I tore my eyes away again not wanting to gawk more than I had to. There was absolute silence in the room except for the dribbling sound of his urine hitting the water.
After he was done I tried to stuff his penis inside his boxers without the aid of my eyes.
That was a bad idea. Perhaps my efforts were too hasty and rough as I tried to shove it back in because it hardened. ‘Oh God!’ I froze, as did he. I didn’t need to see his face to know that it was bright red from embarrassment.
A million thoughts ran through my head. This would be the perfect opportunity to make my move except for the fact that he is delirious with fever right now. ‘Argh! My life is so unfair!’ Well one thing is for sure; I certainly can’t leave him like that.
I closed my hand over his erection and gave it a little jerk. He gasped and his whole body jumped. I turned my head to look at him. He was staring straight ahead refusing to meet my gaze. I took his silence as a sign for me to continue. I enclosed my hand around his penis and slid my hand up and down its length. I snuck another glance at him. His eyes were clenched shut and he was biting his bottom lip from making any noise. I don’t know what came over me but I suddenly wanted to hear him make those delicious noises like the other night.
I gave it another swift jerk and he lost it completely moaning openly like a tortured prey.
I continued this motion pulling it up and down, up and down while he continued to moan beautifully. I then enclosed my hand over it and started pumping. The squeezing and loosening was eliciting wonderful exaltations of “Oh God!” from him.
Needless to say his beautiful singing more than turned me on. His butt came in contact with my erect penis. I gasped at the exquisite pleasure that coursed through me. He froze and for the first time looked at me. It was my turn to blush. He then did something that took me completely off guard. He arched his back bringing his butt into direct contact with my penis.
I was struggling to support him and myself as he rubbed his butt against my erection. I was going to fall pretty soon.
Desperate for some support I backed up against the wall. I could feel the cool tiles through my clothes.
“Sunghoon…” I moaned as he grinded his cute ass against my penis up and down up and down, then side to side. He started grinding my penis moving in circular patterns. I instinctively tightened my grip of his penis.
“Hyung!” he almost screamed in response to my touch. His grinding became more and more forceful and more frequent. Trapped between his butt and the wall I was experiencing ultimate pleasure and that pleasure was all the more sweet because it was my Hoony who was giving it to me.
“Hoony…Hoony…” all I could muster out as waves of pure ecstasy washed over me was his pretty name. I tightened my grip on him as I felt myself hit orgasm. He was screaming with me as my hold became tighter and tighter.
The last shred of strength I had was shattered as I collapsed to the floor dragging him with me. I leaned against the wall for dear life as I tried to catch my breath. I buried my face in his neck breathing in his scent. Still with one arm wound around his slender waist I pulled him as close as possible.
“Hyung…” he whispered in pure agony. I then realized that he still hasn’t come yet.
‘Damn he’s got endurance!’ I collected whatever nerves I had left and tried to finish him off.
“Ji…wonnie…” he groaned as I continued pumping. The feeling of hearing him call for me was indescribable. I pinched the tips of his penis and finally he came. Like last time he trembled as he came in my hands. His whole body went limp in my arms.
“Hoony…” there was no response. I turned his face towards me and found him passed out. ‘Damn! That must have been good…’ Then I remember his fever. His head must be killing him. I quickly tucked his penis in his boxers.
Gathering all the strength I had I picked him up and carried him to his room. After tucking him in I felt his forehead. It was still a bit warm but he’ll be fine tomorrow. ‘But we won’t be…’
“Soyoung and I got back together…got back together…together…” His words rang repeatedly in my ears. Like the first time when he told me they were together I stood in front of him completely void of any feelings. But the numbness quickly went away. I was furious as I approached my destination.
My fists kept pounding the door until she opened it with a very pissed expression. But that face quickly disappeared when she saw me and was replaced by a very cocky smirk.
“What the hell are you trying to do?” I demanded.
“What do you mean?” looking at me innocently.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Isn’t it obvious? I love him.” She stated matter-of-factly.
“No you don’t!” I retorted.
“Ok maybe I don’t love him but I want him.” Her eyes gleamed evilly.
“Why?” I asked trying to make some sense out of all this.
“Well he is good in bed. But then again you wouldn’t know that now would you,” she asked gloatingly. I wanted to kill her. I wanted to strangle her scrawny little neck and stomp on her face to wipe that stupid smirk off.
“Really Jiwon did you actually think you could win over me?” She graced her hand across her body showcasing her feminine features. “Sunghoon is not a sicko like you, he is actually normal and prefers this.” She showcased her body again emphasizing her breasts. “He loves to bury his face in them,” she announced proudly.
I smacked her. Her head whipped to the other side. Slowly her hand went up to touch her wounded cheek. My hand was throbbing with stinging pain from the slap. I expected her to cry but she didn’t. She slowly turned to face me her hand still clutching her red cheek. That stupid smirk was still on her face perhaps I didn’t slap her hard enough.
She started laughing tauntingly. “What’s the matter? A little too close to the truth for you?” she mocked.
“I’m not going to let you win. You don’t deserve him.” I spat it in her face.
“Oh and you do?” she asked condescendingly.
“At least I love him.” I declared boldly.
“Too bad the feeling is not mutual.” She said tiredly.
“Stay away from him.” I warned.
She eyed me with a bored face. “Look maybe this would help clear up your simple little mind. I can offer him a family, acceptance in society, and a normal life. What can you offer him? Love? Don’t make me laugh! If he is with you he would be branded as a social outcast.” She paused to let me digest all she had said.
“Look Jiwon if Sunghoon is gay then whatever I do wouldn’t matter. But he is not gay.
He can have a good normal life if you would just let him. Isn’t it enough that you will have to endure the hardships of a homosexual lifestyle? Don’t be so selfish. He doesn’t have to live that hard life if you don’t drag him with you…”
I ran from her not wanting to hear the rest.
“LET HIM GO JIWON!” she yelled behind me.
I felt tears gathering in my eyes because I knew what she said were true. ‘Let him go
Jiwon. Don’t be selfish. He can have a happy life. Don’t drag him with you… Let him go… Let him go…’ The tears were flowing freely now meandering down my face to my shirt.
I was having trouble breathing from running and crying at the same time. I saw a telephone booth and ran towards it.
Locking myself inside I slid in one of the corners. With my head buried on my clutched knees I cried and cried as if there was no tomorrow.
I didn’t even know how long it was but the tears eventually stopped flowing. I fumbled through my pockets for loose change. Inserting the proper amount of coinage I dialed Jiyong’s number.
“Hello?” he finally picked up after five rings.
“Jiyong it’s me.”
“Hey hyung what’s up?” he asked cheerfully.
“Sunghoon’s over there right?” He had been over at Jiyong’s a lot. Ever since the night with the incident in the bathroom he had avoided me.
“Yeah he’s in the kitchen getting something to eat. You want me to get him?”
“NO!” I barked a little too quickly.
“Why not? Is hyung is too shy to talk to his Hoony. Aww…how sweet are you to call and check up on him.” He teased.
“Hyung! What’s wrong?” he asked, alarmed by my silence.
“Jiyong ah can you keep Sunghoon over at your place for a few hours?”
“Why? Are you planning a surprise for him?” I could hear the suggestive tone creeping into his voice.
“No I need time to pack” I replied simply, preventing him from getting any crazy ideas.
“PACK?! Where are you going?” he demanded.
“I don’t know. I just need to get away.” I said tiredly.
“Away? Away form what? Wait! You don’t mean away from Sunghoon do you? What the hell…”
“Thanks for doing this for me. I owe you one Jiyong” I jumped in, cutting him off.
“Wait hyung just tell me…” I hung up on him.
When I got home I just threw a few of my things together. All I packed was a few changes of clothes and the essential documents like passport, birth certificate, etc. I didn’t pack any of my pictures. It would only make it harder. Taking one last look of the place I called home I turned to leave.
“Hyung!” he panted.
“What is it Jiyong? Why are you out of breath?” I sensed something is not right.
“Don’t be mad hyung but I told him,” he blurted.
“YOU WHAT?!?!?!?” I screamed into the receiver.
“You can thank me later.” I can almost see his cocky grin.
“Thank you? You’ll be lucky if I don’t kick your skinny ass.” I yelled.
“Hyung you’re not being fair to him. Its his decision too.” He reasoned.
“You don’t understand Jiyong. I don’t want this kind of harsh life for him,” I explained exasperatedly.
“I think Sunghoon can decide for himself what kind of life he wants. He’s on his way home now. Hyung don’t just leave without saying goodbye. Even if you have to end it, end it the right way.” He lectured wisely.
“Jiyong when the hell did you get so wise?” I asked with a small smile. He was right.
“Hahaha…bye hyung. I hope you get what you want whatever that maybe,” he said seriously.
‘He’s coming home…he’s coming home…’ A glimmer of hope sprung into my heart. I looked out the window expecting to see him already. Of course he wasn’t there, Jiyong’s is about half an hour away. I heard thunder rumbling in the distance followed by a bright flash of lightening. I looked at the dark storm clouds looming above. It’s going to rain soon. I turned away from the window and sat down, anxiously waiting for him.
“Get up Jiwon. Just get up and leave.” I calmly told myself out loud. “He’s not coming. He’s never going to come…because he doesn’t love you.”
Finally feeling my wounded heart shatter I reached into my wallet and pulled out the picture of Sunghoon and me that I always carried. I took one last look at it before letting it slip through my fingers. I watched it waved through the air currents and finally settled under the coffee table. Picking up my things I stepped out into the pouring rain.
My new home was too quiet. The silence was deafening. I needed something to distract me. And I’m very lonely I needed some company. I thought perhaps a pet would help. I walked into the pet store in search of a suitable companion. A puppy maybe, after all they are man’s best friend. And I need a new best friend.
“Hello. May I help you with anything?” the salesperson asked.
“Yes I’m looking for a puppy.”
“The dog section is in the back why don’t we talk a walk back there and see if we can find something for you.” He suggested.
“Thank you.” I started following him to the back.
“Is there a specific breed you are looking for?” He glanced over his shoulder nonchalantly as we passed the small rodents section.
“No not really.” I hadn’t even thought of that.
“I’m sure we can find…” I couldn’t hear the rest. We were in the birds’ section and the squawking of various species of Aves cut off his sentence.
Amid the chaotic arrays of blue, green, yellow and red birds my eyes caught sight of two in particular. I wandered over to the cage leaving the salesperson’s trail. They were identical, green all over except for their light blue face, the white ring around the eye and their yellow beaks. I’ve never been a bird lover. But for some reason I was drawn to those two birds.
“Cute aren’t they?” I turned around to find the salesperson standing behind me.
“Yeah… What kind of parrots are those?”
“They’re Love Birds.”
“Love Birds?” It sounds so exquisite and yet terribly painful. Another customer was asking for assistance so he excused himself. I turned my attention back to the Love Birds. I can see why they are referred to as Love Birds. They were huddled together, inseparable. One was very vocal squawking at me nonstop while the other just silently stayed by its lover’s side, helpless. They reminded me of my relationship with him.
“Have we come to a decision yet or would you rather look at the puppies still?” It’s the salesperson again, smiling professionally at me.
“I’ve made my decision. I want that one.” I pointed to the quiet one. “How much is it?”
His smile faltered a bit confused by my request. “Sir those are Love Birds…” he reminded. He didn’t finish his thought but he didn’t have to, I already knew what he was thinking. Those are Love Birds; to separate them would be cruel. But life itself is cruel, is it not?
“I just want one.” I told him simply. He looked at me sadly as if he understood.
“Its $56 for one plus tax of course.” He reached into the cage and reach for the one I want. The scene was heart wrenching as he reached for the one I want. The very vocal one started flapping and screeching at the intruding hand that had come to take its love away. The quiet one jumped all over the place darting away from his hand.
It took a little effort but eventually he got a hold of the quiet one. He pulled his hand out of the cage to put the quiet one in a temporary cage. For the first time since I saw them the quiet one was quiet no more. It started screaming at the top of its lungs calling for its love. With the small temporary cage in my hand I started walking away not wanting to see anymore. But I heard everything as they cried for each other. “Your total is $156. Will that be cash or credit sir?” I had to get a few other things to take care of the bird such as cage, food, toys, etc.
“Credit please.” I opened my wallet to get my credit card and was once again greeted with the empty space of where his picture used to be. For the last three months every time I opened my wallet emptiness greeted me. I need to put something else there.
“Thank you for shopping at Petco. Please come and see us again.” He recited as he handed me my receipt and credit card.
“Thank you.” I turned to leave.
“If you decide to change your mind about…” he looked at my bird. “It’ll be here.”
“No don’t hold it for me, I’m not changing my mind.”
He smiled at me sadly again. “Most people prefer to buy them as couples so I can pretty much guarantee you that it’ll still be here.” I nodded politely at his gestured and left.
I named him after me. For the first couple of days Jiwon wouldn’t eat, he squawked or should I say cried nonstop for its other half. He kept turning and looking behind him as if expecting the other one to be there. But eventually he realized the other one is not there and stopped speaking. He did at the very least start eating.
“Jiwon you don’t need him.” I was talking to him as I changed his water. “Look you get to have all the food and toys you want, you don’t have to share with him anymore. And you can talk all you want now that he’s not here yakking all the time.” I tried to convince Jiwon of the benefits of life without him.
But he never spoke. He just looks at me with accusative eyes telling me that I did this to him.
How long does it take to forget a person? How long does it take to completely erase a person out of one’s heart, mind and soul? How much time does it take to erase a person that you spent almost two decades with? How much time would one need to let go of the person who gave you reason to live?
Nobody knows where I am. I haven’t made any contact with anyone except for my family of course. But I specifically told them not to tell anyone where I was. I don’t know what has happened since the day I left six months ago. And I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to know how happy he is with her. I didn’t want to hear him tell me that he doesn’t love me. I wanted to forget everything including him.
I think I’m doing pretty well in the department of recovery. Somewhere along the way about a month ago it stopped hurting day in and day out. Only when I think of him does it still hurt but I don’t think about him anymore. I finally woke up from my silly little dream. I should really thank him for that. Feeling confident in my life after him I decided to give Jiyong a call.
“Hey Jiyong its me.”
“HYUNG! How are you? Where are you?” He exclaimed excitedly on the other side. I heard some rustling in the background.
“I’m fine. I’m in Hawaii right now.”
“Hawaii? Did you have to go THAT far?” There was some rustling again.
“What’s that I hear in the background? Is someone there with you?”
“Uh yeah Soyun is with me. She is in one of her freaky cleaning moods.”
“Oh tell her that I said hi. So how is everything?”
“If you mean everything as in Sunghoon…” he started.
“No I didn’t.” I interrupted. I heard another rustle, it sounded like breaking glass. There was a brief pause then I heard Jiyong talking to Soyun. I couldn’t hear what he was saying probably because his hand was over the receiver.
“Is everything ok?”
“Yeah she just dropped a glass that’s all. Everything is fine. You were saying?”
“Jiyong ah I finally woke up from my silly little fantasy world I built for myself. I mean I’m way too old to be playing pretend anymore you know? Would you thank him for me for bring me back to reality?” I was a little bitter. There was dead silence on the other end.
“So its really over?” Finally breaking the silence.
“Yea I guess it is.”
“Are you happy?”
“Right now, no. But with a little more time I think I’ll be ok.”
“Do you still love him?”
“What is up with this interrogation?” I was getting really annoyed by his questions. He is going at it as if I owe him an explanation or something.
“I’m sorry it’s just that…well true love is very hard to come by so don’t give up on it so easily.”
“I didn’t give up on him! He told me loud and clear that he doesn’t want anything to do with me. Are you telling me to stupidly and blindly love him forever when there is absolutely no chance whatsoever he’ll love me in return?”
“No that’s not what I’m saying. I just want you to be sure.”
“I’m pretty damn sure alright! Now can we drop this? If you’re going to be like this every time I call then I’m not going to call you anymore.”
“Ok ok… So what’s up with you?” He asked cheerfully.
We talked for about three hours catching up on each other’s lives.
“So that’s everybody except… You sure you don’t want to know?”
“Hyung…are you really going to cut him out of your life like that? Is nothing salvageable? Not even friendship?”
“Not now Jiyong. It still hurts too much.”
“So you do still love him?”
“Yea…” I sighed. “Look its getting late er early. It’s almost dawn I have to get some sleep. I’ll talk to you later.” My eyes were pretty heavy by then.
“Oh ok. Bye hyung!”
I went straight to bed after I hung up. It was about 4am.
About a week later I was doing the dishes one night when someone rang my doorbell. I was quite surprised because since I’ve been at Hawaii I haven’t exactly spent much time socializing. Rinsing off the soapsuds on my hands I grabbed a towel and quickly dried them. I opened the door and found myself staring into the most beautiful pair of brown eyes.
It was him.
I was taken aback by the sight before me. His face was deathly pale and gaunt. He looked like he lost a lot of weight.
Maybe it was the loose overalls he was wearing but he was very skinny. And most of all he looked very tired. ‘That must have been one rough flight…’
I stared at him not knowing what to say. I didn’t know why he was here. I didn’t know what his intentions were. Did he come all this way to properly let me know that he doesn’t love me? Or did he come to salvage whatever was left of our friendship?
“Hi hyung can I come in?” he asked with a forced smile. I widened the door to let him in.
He set his things down behind the couch and surveyed my apartment.
“Nice place you have here,” he commented, trying to ease the tension in the room.
“Thanks. Do you want something to drink?” I asked courteously.
“What do you want?”
“I don’t know…whatever you have is fine…”
He felt like a total stranger to me. It didn’t feel like I grew up with him. It didn’t feel like I spent almost two decades with him. He didn’t feel familiar to me.
I went into the kitchen and got a Pepsi. When I came back I found him busy playing with Jiwon.
“He is so cute. What’s his name?” He asked with one of his finger in the cage trying to pet Jiwon.
“His name is Jiwon.” He looked at me, surprised. And he smiled at me.
“Well hi Jiwon. Can you say ‘Hello Sunghoon’?”
“He’s not one of those talking parrots.” I told him.
“Oh…then what kind of parrot is he?” He asked absentmindedly still playing with Jiwon.
“It’s a Love Bird.”
“Love Bird?” he slowly turned his head to me then back to Jiwon and me again. “But where is…” he trailed off.
“There isn’t one. Jiwon is perfectly happy by himself. He has me.” He looked at me sadly. His eyes started welling.
“What do you want Sunghoon? Why are you here?” I was mad though I wasn’t sure why.
“I…I…” he stuttered, grasping onto a nearby chair. He suddenly paled and he was clutching to that chair for dear life.
‘Wait a minute… something is not right…’ He started wobbling. I ran over to him and grabbed him by the waist before he fell.
“Sunghoon…Sunghoon…” I called, shaking him. His eyes fluttered open tiredly and he gave me a small smile. “Are you ok? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong hyung…I’m just very tired.” He sounded tired too. I was barely able to make out his hoarse whispers.
Gathering him up I carried him into my room and onto the bed. I felt his forehead there was no fever. ‘He’s probably tired from his flight.’ I tucked him in and was turning to leave when I felt his hand on my wrist.
“Please…don’t go,” he begged. I couldn’t look at him so I turned to the hand that was holding me. ‘What the hell…?’
There was a VERY apparent scar on his wrist. I felt my anger rose again.
“What did you do?!” I demanded as I grabbed his wrist roughly taking a closer look at the scar. He tried to pull his hand free to hide it but my grip was stronger. I turned my angry gaze on him.
“I…I…” he stuttered as tears surged again. I sat down on the bed and grabbed him by the shoulders.
“Promise me you won’t ever do that again!” I shook him so violently that his pools of tears spilled over. “Promise me!” I yelled. “Only if you promise never to leave me again,” he whispered. I stared at him, dumbstruck.
Finally finding my senses, “I didn’t leave you. You let me go.” I reminded him and accused him at the same time.
He threw his arms around my chest and hugged me fiercely, tears seeping through my shirt. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…” he repeated.
I sat there passively, my arms at my sides. “Why didn’t you come home? I waited for you.” I accused him again.
He held me tighter. “I did come home. I just didn’t have the courage to face you. I was standing across the street I saw you leave. I’m sorry…I was just so confused. I needed time to digest what Jiyong told me so I let you go. I thought once I figured out my feelings then I would face you.” His voice started quivering as he continued. “But you didn’t call, you didn’t write…I…I thought you abandoned me. I thought you didn’t care anymore, that you didn’t want anything to do with me. I couldn’t bear it…I didn’t want to live without you… I…I…” he paused, searching for his words. “I love you Jiwon,” he whispered, finally finding his words.
The shock hit me like a ton of bricks paralyzing me. I felt him holding me tighter and started sobbing, alarmed by my lack of reaction to his confession. Slowly my senses returned to me one by one.
“Jiwon I love you.” He repeated. “Did you hear me? I said I love you.” He cried desperately. Still I didn’t react. “Hyung, your Hoony is telling you that he loves you.
Please tell me that Wonnie still loves his Hoony,” he begged. “Hyung…Oh God…Please Wonnie…” he was getting hysterical, starting to hyperventilate.
I raised my arms from my sides and just held him. This only made him sob harder. I stroked his back and rocked him back and forth hushing him. He eventually stopped crying and we stayed in that position. I still haven’t said a single word to him. He was very quiet in my arms perhaps afraid that I would reject him.
I laid him back on the bed hovering over him. I wiped away his tears with my hand. He was looking at me expectantly but I can see the fear in his eyes. “I remember the first time I ever laid eyes on you. You were wearing denim overalls.”
He looked at me, perplexed at my subject of choice but listened intently anyway.
I continued. “Barely able to walk or talk you followed me everywhere clutching your ‘baba’ and calling me ‘Jiwonnie hyung’. Everywhere I went you were behind me trying to keep up. Occasionally you fell an your little toushy but surprisingly you never cried, you would just get back up and start running after me again. Whenever you got too far behind I always stopped and waited for you to catch up.” I smiled at him and stroked his cheek with the back of my hand. He raised his hand and clasped it with mine.
“As the years went by I kept going but when I looked back you were no longer running after me but away from me.
Afraid to lose you I started running after you instead. For years I chased you hoping against all hope that I would be able to catch up. But I never could. Then I realized that I would never be able to catch up to you because you wouldn’t stop and wait for me.” His clasp tightened.
“Had you at least turned around and look at your Jiwonnie hyung once I might have keep going but you never did. And so I stopped chasing you.” He raised his other hand and strokes my face, silently telling me that he was sorry.
“I was doing fine until today when you started running after me again, denim overalls and all, just like when we were young.” I paused. His eyes implored into mine begging me to continue. “And just like when we were young I will stop and wait for you.”
He burst into tears. I leaned down and kissed them away. The tears were not salty or bitter these were tears of joy. They were sweet. I kissed his eyes, his cheeks, his nose, and along his jaw but paused before his lips.
“I love you Sunghoon,” I whispered before I closed the tiny gap between his lips and mine. It felt good to finally be able to say those words. The kiss was gentle and light I didn’t want to force anything on him. I started to pull away but he locked his arms around my neck possessively, unwilling to let me go. ‘Who am I to argue with him?’
He opened his mouth and I followed suit. Our tongues met half way and got acquainted with each other. His tongue entered into my mouth and started probing. I was surprised at his boldness. Wasn’t I supposed to do this? Well he has been the dominant one in his relationships. ‘We’re going to have a problem here.’
Still kissing I climbed onto the bed lying on top of him. Assured that I was not going anywhere he unlocked his arms and his hands traveled down my back. He was gently gripping my butt. This was a Sunghoon I’ve never known and it was quite exhilarating.
Finally depleted of our oxygen supplies we broke the kiss. Panting hard he pulled at my shirt. I sat up and hastily pulled it over my head. I unhooked the straps of his overalls and quickly yanked them off of him. While taking his shirt off I peeled his socks off with my toes. He was wearing nothing but his boxers. They were yellow with little brown monkeys on them.
Ridding my shorts I was sporting my boxers also. I kissed him again. He rolled on top of me trying to take control. ‘Not if I can help it.’ I weakened my struggles pretending to give in. Thinking he has won he let his guard down to enjoy the kiss. I suddenly sprung and pinned him down beneath me. While we were battling on the bed our tongues had a war of their own.
Even though I had him pinned he wouldn’t give in. ‘Ok you asked for it.’ Letting go of one of his hands I reached down into his boxers and grabbed his erection. A little yelp rose from his throat and he absolutely melted. Surrendering his mouth my tongue went in and claimed his prize.
He was absolute putty in my arms as I worked his erection. He instinctively raised his hips demanding more attention.
Surged by his moans and groans I roamed my mouth all over him, he was delicious. He started whimpering, asking for more. Who am I to deny him?
He whined in protest as I let go of his penis. I didn’t take my hand out of his boxers I just pulled it lower dragging the thin cotton fabric with it, slowly…seductively.
I smiled at his pretty penis standing at attention to greet me. I looked up to his face and found him bright red. I chuckled lightly; he’s so cute when he blushes. I closed my mouth over his penis and teased him a little by giving it a soft tongue rubbing at the tips.
“Wonnie…” he half moaned and half whined, begging for more.
I climbed back up to him. He was clutching to the headboard for dear life, so hard that his knuckles were white. I gently pried his hands free and kissed his scar before clasping them with mine, never wanting to let go. I kissed him gently, trying to calm him.
He raised his legs around my waist and stuck his big toes inside my boxer rims.
Lowering his legs he dragged my boxers off. I gasped sharply as the elastic band slid over my erection. He shifted his body a little and I groaned as our penises finally met.
Loving the sensations that greeted me from the meeting I gently rubbed my penis against his.
“Hyung…” he cried desperately. His cry sounded more urgent. I looked at him and was surprised to see tears brimming at his eyes. I spread his legs and gathered myself to enter him. Slipping both hands underneath him I slightly raised his hips for easier access.
I went in slowly he was very tight and tense. His eyes clenched shut and the tears trickled down his pretty face. He bit his lower lip the blood was seeping out. I froze not bearing to hurt him anymore. Looking down at myself I was barely half way in him. He slowly he opened his eyes and looked at me. With his beautiful eyes he told me to continue but I couldn’t. So he did it instead.
Raising his hips he eased me into him, enveloping me completely. He pulled me down so that we were face to face. I loved the feeling of being inside him I felt so safe. And that would have been enough for me. I didn’t want to hurt him.
But it wasn’t enough for him.
Looking deep into my eyes he started raising his hips pushing me deeper and deeper within him. He started moaning beautifully as his eyes never left mine, telling me that I’m not hurting him. When I heard his cries of pleasure I lost the control that was holding me back. The way he looked at me while he moaned was driving me mad.
I started thrusting slowly at first but picking up speed as I continued. He met each and every thrust with equal force.
“Oh God…don’t ever stop…”
I felt him tensed so I wrapped him up in my arms. He trembled beneath me as he climax, screaming like a wounded animal. Not long after I too came. He held me tightly as I buried my face into his neck muffling my cry. I pulled out and rolled off of him onto my back. Pulling him on top of me I kissed his disfigured wrist and held him tightly.
When I woke up the next morning I was afraid, afraid that yesterday was a dream. But his slow steady breathing next to me told me it was all real. He was mine. I turned to look at my little piece of heaven and was greeted with a sleeping angel.
I resisted the urge to devour his slightly parted lips. I decided to let him sleep. He must be dead tired after a whole night of *ahem* playing… The corners of my lips curled upward as images of last night flashed in my mind. But that was quickly erase when I saw all the blood stains. ‘Oh my God!’
I jumped out of bed and quickly threw some clothes on. Grabbing my wallet and keys I ran out the door.
I think I went a little overboard with the breakfast making. ‘Well he was just too skinny he needs some fat in that sack of bones of his.’ I placed the scramble eggs on the dining table with the pancakes, waffles, cereal, bacon and sausages.
He limped out groggily rubbing his sleepy eyes. “Good morning Wonnie” he mumbled.
“Good morning baby. You’re just in time for breakfast.” I announced cheerfully. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the table.
“You don’t expect me to eat all of that do you?” he asked incredulously. “What are you trying to do? Make me fat?” he accused.
“A little fat can you some good. Look at you! You’re a twig! Personally I don’t like sleeping next to a twig.” I teased.
“I didn’t hear you complain last night!” he reminded. I was red as a ripe tomato. He smiled triumphantly pleased by my embarrassment.
“Ok you’re perfect the way you are now and I love the way you are now. I’m not trying to fatten you up. I’m just trying to makeup for the six months of not making you breakfast.
So would the pretty Sunghoon please eat his Jiwonnie hyung’s humble food and relieve him of his guilt?” I said, trying to appease him. I gave him my best puppy face.
Satisfied he nodded his head happily. He couldn’t sit so I pulled him onto my lap and fed him myself. I smiled happily as he swallowed everything eagerly.
“Hey!” he sprung up and out of my lap to Jiwon’s cage.
“I was waiting for you to notice him.” I followed his track.
“Aww…he’s so cute,” he fawned.
“He’s as cute as his namesake.” I wrapped my arms around his waist from behind; he was still looking at the cage.
“When did you get him?”
“This morning,” I murmured as I kissed the back of his neck. I also picked up about half a dozen brands of lubricant.
“Aww…that’s so sweet.”
“Since I have my Sunghoon I thought its only fair that Jiwon has his also. You should have seen them when they were reunited. They were so cute.”
I held onto my Sunghoon as Jiwon snuggled up to his. We watched the Love Birds quietly. The silence was very comforting…
“So whatever happened between you and Soyoung?” I was dying to know.
“I dumped her.”
“Good she didn’t deserve you.”
“I know. Only you deserve me.”
‘Yes only Jiwon deserves Sunghoon.’ I lightly pecked him on the cheeks as I brought him closer.
“I love you too,” he whispered.